Friday's Funnies

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A SKETCHY CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.

9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

7. There's an ATM in the lobby.

6. The choir wears leather robes.

5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S.: "Bring Your Own Snake."

4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

3. Karaoke Worship Time.

2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

Super Bowl Church

It was Super Bowl Sunday and in our Presbyterian church the time for the collection of tithes and offerings was approaching. The minister, a true sports enthusiast, reached into his pocket, took out a quarter, flipped it into the air, glanced at it as it landed, then in typical referee fashion joyfully announced: "The ushers have elected to receive!"

How to Train a Cat

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."  I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.  The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Memory

Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of." The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?" "No, she remembers everything."

Shingles?

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.  Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.  A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.  An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.  Kevin said, "Shingles."   The doctor asked, "Where?"  Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?" 

Diamond Ring

A Texan came across his grandmother's diamond ring.  He had a friend who was an appraiser in a jewelry store.  He told her about the ring, took her out to lunch and handed her the diamond ring. She got out her loupe, examined the ring and handed it back.  A man at the next table thought to himself, "These Texas women are tough".

FOOTBALL THEOLOGY

1. DRAFT CHOICE - the decision to sit close to a heating vent in winter or an air conditioning vent in Summer.
2. END ZONE - the pews.
3. THREE POINT STANCE - being present, on time, with your Bible in hand.
4. PASS INTERFERENCE - what Mama does with her eyes when she sees Johnny writing a note to his friends in church.
5. IN THE POCKET - where too many church members keep God's tithe and their offerings.
6. QUARTERBACK SNEAK - Sunday School officers and teachers entering the building five minutes after Sunday School begins.
7. TWO MINUTE WARNING - the Chairman of the Board sitting on a front row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.
8. BENCH WARMER - an inactive church member.
9. FUMBLE - a lousy sermon.
10. REFEREE - a nursery worker presiding over differences of opinion as to who was playing with the doll first.
11. DEAD HEAT - a lukewarm church member waking up in the middle of a dynamic and colorful sermon on hell.
12. EXTRA POINT - what you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
13. CHEERLEADERS - ladies complimenting the preacher on his sermon.
14. QUARTERBACK - what church members, who believe religion is free, want after putting 50 cents in the offering.
15. PASSING GAME - what the ushers do with offering plates on Sunday morning.
16. HEAD COACH - the pastor.
17. ASSISTANT COACHES - ministerial staff and Sunday School teachers.
18. GROUND CREW - custodians.
19. END AROUND - diaper changing time in the nursery.
20. INTERFERENCE - whispering and talking during the sermon.
21. ILLEGAL MOTION - leaving before the benediction.
22. PENALTY - what the church gets when its members stay home.
23. PUNT - what the pastor does when nothing else seems to work.
24. HUDDLE - weekly meeting of the church gossip team.
25. QUARTERBACK SACK - the bag in which the ushers place the morning offering.
26. CLIPPING - what the church historian is always doing.
27. NOSE GUARD - a nursery worker during the flu season.
28. SUPER BOWL CHAMPION - a church doing the will of God.
29. WIDE RECEIVERS - overweight ushers waddling down the aisle to receive the morning offering.

Today’s Thought

At the bakery, I order a Bran Muffin every day...I am one of their regular customers.