Friday's Funnies

Chemo

My wife, Mary, had a lumpectomy and is going through 12 weeks of chemotherapy. The other day, she told our four-year-old granddaughter, Emily, that, because of the chemo, all her hair would fall out.  Emily looked at Mary with surprise and asked, "Does that mean I'll have two grandpas?"

Perspective

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.   An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."  The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.  The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.  Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"  But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."  Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"   (See Revelation 21:21)

Did you know?

The only nation whose name begins with an “A” but doesn’t end in an “A” is Afghanistan.

Green's Gourmet Grocery

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.  "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"  "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on my secret: Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."  "You sell them here?" the customer asks.  "Only $4 apiece," says Green.  The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.  "You didn't eat enough of them," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.  "Hey, Green," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"  "You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

How Come?

Little Johnny asked one of his sister's suitors, "How come you show up every night to see my sister when you have one of your own?"

Deep Thoughts About Pigs and Sheep

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

Why do pigs have curly tails?

Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?

Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

Sunday School

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong message on the devil.  One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"  The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

Homebound

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them. With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home." Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered. The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

Another airhead joke

An airhead went to Florida to go to Disney World.  On the way, he saw a sign that said "Disney World Left."  So he went home.

Today’s Thought

I don’t know how to act my age. I've never been this age before.