Friday's Funnies

New Year’s Eve One Liners

• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• I’ll remember 2013 like it was yesterday.
• May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
• Every year I make a resolution to change myself……. this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!
• My New Year’s Resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!
• New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.
• My 2014 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.
• Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.
• New Year’s resolution is 1080p.

 The Chandelier 

The Pastor of a small country chapel asked the deacons if they would consider installing a chandelier in the Chapel. They met at length to discuss the issue and reported back to him that they had decided against the idea for three reasons: 1) The Secretary did not know how to spell it in the minutes. 2) If they bought one, they had nobody who could play it. 3) They thought that the money could be better used improving the lighting in the Church.

You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

-          You answer the door before people knock.

-          You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

-          You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House"

-          You ski uphill.

-          You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-          You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

-          You speed walk in your sleep.

-          The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

-          You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

-          You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-          You sleep with your eyes open.

-          You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

-          You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

-          The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

-          Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

-          Instant coffee takes too long.

-          You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

-          You buy half-and-half by the barrel.

-          You can jumpstart your car without cables.

-          You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

-          You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

-          Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

-          You can't even remember your second cup.

-          You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-          Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"  Mildred turned to her and said, "Yikes, am I driving ?

New Year’s Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

-          When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMHO, or ROTFLMHO!"

-          Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes

-          I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.

-          I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

-          Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

-          I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

-          I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

-          I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

-          Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

-          Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

-          I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them

-          I will think of a password other than "password"

Awful Time

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."  "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.  "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

Today’s Thought

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.