Friday's Funnies

Christmas Dinner Prayer

Lee, a seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his mommy, daddy, brothers, sister, grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.  He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then Lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited.  After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Gift

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.  "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.  "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.  "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.  Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.  Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."  So the clerk handed him a mirror.

A New Perspective

Daniel, aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.  He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.  Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, "I learned in Sunday school today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three guys on camels had to deliver all the toys.  And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around."

Mistletoe

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center. Turning to the attendant, he said, "Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?" The attendant said, "So you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

The Tree Hunt

Two kids ventured deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care if it's decorated or not!"

Best Uses for Holiday Fruitcake

• Bury it in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
• Give it to your child for a science project.
• Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one fruitcake that's making its rounds every year!
• Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.
• Mash several of them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.
• Use it as an exercise stepping block for step aerobics.
• Donate to the Road Kill Cafe for a wonderful dessert.
• Use them to pave freeways. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.
• Use them as fillers to repair the river levees. They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.
• Last and probably least - try eating it. That's one way to get rid of it!

Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf. 

CHRISTMAS KNOCK-KNOCKS

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Wayne

Wayne who?

Wayne in a manger...!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Donut

Donut who?

Donut open till Christmas!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Holly

Holly who?

Holly-days are here again!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Mary

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Today’s Thought

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.