Friday's Funnies

Fruitcakes

You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon-wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them." — Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"

Christmas Musings

We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

From Andy Rooney...

"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote — and they're voting 'I don't know.' 'Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.' (Into phone) 'I DON'T KNOW!' (Hangs up, looking proud.) Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."

See?

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery. When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me. However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"

He Has It Covered

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered, as if offended, and left for the office. At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00. When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, "I've never had a more wonderful 'First Day of Autumn' in my life!"

The Non-argument

Sal: "You get along so well with just everybody. How do you do it?"
Nat: "It's easy: I never disagree with anyone, no matter what."
Sal: "Oh, that's impossible!"
Nat: "You're absolutely right."

Point To Ponder

I am a Nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

Winter Migration

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Millions of Years Ago

Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney's Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"

Family trees

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

This Just In...

"Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest."

Genes

They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.

The secret to ice fishing

A man and a boy have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. The man has been having no luck at all while the boy has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man finally leans over and asks the kid what his secret is. “mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” “mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” the kid repeats. “I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand you.” The boy spits something into his hand and says very clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm!”