Friday's Funnies

Silent Night?

Little Johnny ran up to his uncle's chair. "Uncle, tell me again - what do you want for Christmas?" The uncle smiled and repeated, "I just want some peace and quiet." Johnny's face drooped a bit as he replied, "I know, but I just came back from the mall and they're all out of it!"

Guess What

Three-year-old Elizabeth was helping her mother Melinda wrap a present for her father. While wrapping, Melinda told Elizabeth about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, Elizabeth proudly put it under the tree. When her father asked her if he could shake it and guess what's inside, she said, "No, T-shirts don't rattle."

On Second Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?" "Well, what do you think?" I asked him. He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got from you and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

Southern Wise Men

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Tree Search

Two backwoodsmen went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Christmas Cookies

A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies. She decided to pray about it: "Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!

Elf Jokes

• How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
• Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low elf-esteem!
• Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log!
• What's the first thing elves learn in school? The "elf"-abet!
• Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars? Elfis!
• How do elves greet each other? "Small world, isn't it?"
Disclaimer: We do not in any way mean to demean, diminish or discriminate against elves, and we humbly apologize to any elves who may have been offended by the above.

Christmas Cookie Rules

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!
7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!
10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!
So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!

The Christmas Train

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brother Mike is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes. But after I asked Donnie this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

A Politically Correct Greeting

To All My Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability or religious faith of the wishee.

To My Conservative Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!