Friday's Funnies

Singing By Request

Alfie had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "That's nice of you, Alfie," she said. "Why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

Famous Last Words

• Well, we're the next best thing to a bank.
• It's OK to format this disk.
• I bet I can fit in there.
• Just tell them you're a friend of mine.
• Hey ya'll, watch this!
• No, honey, I'm sure I locked the door!
• Here goes nothing!
• Ha, that's just a story they made up to scare the kids.
• I'm all right; it's just a minor cut.
• Last one, I promise.

Sight Unseen

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

How to Bathe the Cat

• Thoroughly clean the toilet.
• Lift both lids and add shampoo.
• Find and soothe cat as you carry him/her to the bathroom.
• In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
• The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is actually enjoying this).
• Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
• Have someone open outside door; stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
• Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go outdoors where its hair will self-dry.

— Sincerely, The Dog

Deer Hunting

A doctor, a lawyer and a Southern Baptist preacher from Oklahoma went deer hunting.
They hunted all day and had no luck. But when they got back to their vehicle, they saw a magnificent buck emerge from the woods. This was at least a 12-point buck. He was huge!

They all raised their rifles and fired at the same time. The deer went down. An argument ensued as to who was the lucky person that had dropped the buck. About that time, the game warden drove up. He said he had heard them arguing and asked what it was about. They told him it was about who had shot the buck.

After checking all their licenses to make sure they were hunting legally, he stated he would go look and see who shot the buck. They asked him how he was going to find out. He told them to just wait…

When he came back, he congratulated the preacher on his fine kill. When the other two pressed the game warden as to how he knew the preacher killed the buck, he replied that if the lawyer had killed it, he would have shot it in the rear. If the doctor had killed it he would have shot it in the heart. Since the bullet went in one ear and out the other, there was no doubt that the preacher was the one who shot it…

Lots of Love

"I'll miss you, Great-Grandma," wrote my mother's great-grandson in an e-mail he sent before shipping out to Iraq.

"I'll miss you too, dear," she responded. "Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma."

Poor Mom didn't realize that LOL doesn't stand for "lots of love."

Dinosaur bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

Tree problem

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

“I know exactly what’s wrong with your magnolia,” said the manager.

“Good,” said my wife. “What’s it suffering from?”

“Autumn,” he replied.

Women and Sports

The reason women don't play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.