Friday's Funnies

Wishes for the New Year

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count, and your mortgage interest not rise.

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there, may you find a parking space.

Happy New Year!

A Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

100 years old

Reporter: “So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?”

Old man: “Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefitted most by 79 years of fresh air.”

Hard to Pass

A man is pulled over by a police officer for a broken headlight. The cop looks in the car and sees a collection of knives on the backseat. "Sir," he says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man replies.

"Prove it," says the cop.

The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the knives just as two men drive by.

"Man," says one guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

Starting that diet

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

The stockbroker

The stockbroker’s secretary answered his phone one morning. “I’m sorry,” she said, “Mr. Bradford’s on another line.”

“This is Mr. Ingram’s office,” the caller said. “We’d like to know if he’s bullish or bearish right now.”

“He’s talking to his wife,” the secretary replied. “Right now I’d say he’s sheepish.”

Whose money?
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

“Give me your money!” he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this — I’m a U.S. Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “give me MY money!”

Alternate solutions

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Absent-Minded Professor

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. Conductor Bennett said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it. Otherwise, I won't know where to get off."