Friday's Funnies

The Ref
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying "Here's your phone." "What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

Taxes Are Patriotic!
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"

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A pair of twin boys were put up for adoption at birth, but were adopted by two different families. The first was adopted by a Hispanic family, who named him Juan, and the second was adopted by an Arabic family, who named him Amal. The two families stayed in contact for a couple of years, but living far apart, eventually lost track of each other. On the 10th birthday of the boys, Juan’s mother said to her husband, “I wonder what Amal looks like today.” The husband replied, “Honey, they’re twins – if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

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You know you're broke when...

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

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Senior Couple Engagement

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida . Are all excited about their decision to get married, they Go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, “Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart Medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds.”Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety; the works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and Sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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CHILD’S RATE
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

KISS GOODBYE
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."