Friday's Funnies

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT.......

-CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
-Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
-Obama met with three small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
-McDonalds is now selling the quarter-ouncer.
-People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
-A truck-load of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
-The most highly-paid job now is jury duty.
-Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
-Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your food, do you know how many kids in the U.S. are starving?"
-Motel Six won't leave the light on.
-The Mafia is laying off judges.
-People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

AND.....

-Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

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Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

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Grandma's Advice

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma - that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? "You mean you're coming empty handed?"

The Raise

"I have to have a raise," Arnie said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Amazing

A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?" The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said. The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said, He said, 'Tah-dah!'"

Career ambitions

A father was asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the father.

His friend thought for a moment. "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career," he said.

"Not really," said the father. "He thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"


Long day

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."