Friday's Funnies

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me religion:"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about time travel: "If you don' t straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me logic: "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me more logic:"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me irony: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about contortionism: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about stamina: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about weather: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the circle of life: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about behavior modification: "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about envy: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about anticipation: "Just wait 'till your father gets home."
17. My mother taught me about receiving: "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me medical science: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me humor: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me how to become an adult: 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me genetics: "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my roots: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me wisdom: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about justice: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Hellmann's Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as ‘Sinko De Mayo’...

Chocolate rules

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?