Friday's Funnies

Black Friday

A day Americans are willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what they're already thankful for.

One day you're thankful for everything you have then the next day you're fighting over TVs & stuff on sale Black Friday.

Black Friday = The Day People Spend Money They Don't Have On Things They Don't Need.

It's Black Friday and the mall is packed with shoppers and Steve can't find his wife. Steve goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The attractive woman replies "Why?" Steve replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They know what it's like to be jammed into a small place and stuffed!

How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal? Don't worry they'll let you know.

What flies faster than items off the rack on Black Friday? Credit card payment slips!

Why do Americans go shopping on Black Friday? They are thankful they survived Thanksgiving's feast.

Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"? It matches the mood of all those unhappy bloated shoppers.

What I've Learned

During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their honor, my dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long. My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused. "And?" someone cried out from the back of the room. "...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!" my father exclaimed. The room erupted in laughter.

So That's How It Works

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to study this stuff?" "To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture. A few minutes later the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

New Surgical Techniques

A family was on its way to the hospital where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."

Truths

·         Some minds are like concrete — all mixed up and permanently set.

·         Some people are wise. Some are otherwise.

·         The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

·         The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road you put the stuff.

The Soup

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"

Home Schooling

Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

A: First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.

Today’s Thought

If I can lose just 20 pounds, I'll be down to the weight I never thought I'd be up to.

Friday's Funnies

Say What?

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Eventually, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!"

Old Is...

• I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
• Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
• If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells remain forever.

Birthdaze

~ She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth...she lies about her age.

~ She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.

~ When it comes to telling her age, she's shy........about 10 years shy.

~ She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

~ I've stopped exercising...pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

He's so old....

..he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.

..he knew Baskin Robbins when he only had 2 flavors

..he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked "Urgent"

Daffynitions

~ Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

~ Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

~ Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

~ Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

~ Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

~ Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

~ Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

~ Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

~ Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

~ Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

~ Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

~ Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

~ Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

~ Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

~ Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers.

Driven to Distraction

I was driving to the office one morning, when I got a phone call from my boss. "You've been promoted" he said, and I was so surprised that I swerved.  A few minutes later, I got another call. "You've been given a raise." I was so excited that I swerved again.  Later I got a third call. "You've been made CEO." And I swerved again and ran into a tree.  As I was waiting there, I saw a policeman. "what happened?" he asked. "I careered off the road."

Seems Fair

A doctor calls his patient and says, "The check you gave me for my bill came back." The patient replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Today’s Thought

My wife and I have decided we don't want any children - if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrows

Friday's Funnies

Witty Quotes About Elections

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII

2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson

3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown

4. George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown

5. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. —George Carlin

6. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown

7. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen

Genie

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.  He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub to brush off the sand.  A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.  The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.”  "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life.”  "Okay, then, I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”  "You are a crafty little jerk," said the genie.

Public Servant

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."

What an Answer

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all since it is already built.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: He sleeps at night.

Q: Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?
A: Because he is dead.

Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It becomes wet.

Q: What often falls but never gets hurt?
A: Rain

Q: What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be ?
A: Tomorrow

Q: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half.

Q: What gets wet with drying ?
A: A towel.

Q: What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.

Q: Why does a bike rest on its leg?
A: Because it is too tired.

Aging

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because it was handicapped accessible.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before...

Today’s Thought

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around.

Friday's Funnies

You are probably…

If you can start the day without caffeine, if you are always cheerful, if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, if you are understanding when your loved ones are too busy for you, if you never treat a rich friend better than a poor friend, if you face the world without lies and deceit, then you are probably the family dog!

Top Ten Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

10) The preacher announces the sermon is from Genesis . . .  and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60s.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this stuff?”

3) You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when the pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah, the Shepherd Boy, and His Ark of Many Colors.” 

Air-head

An air-head spies a letter lying on the doormat.  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."  The air-head spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

Camouflage

A young soldier was up before his commanding officer for a reprimand.  After going through a list of his misdemeanors the CO says, "And another thing, I didn't see you in camouflage practice this morning."  "Thank you, Sir," the soldier replied.

Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman.  "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.  "I juggle them in my act."  "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."   The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.  "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Statistically Verifiable

Research shows that 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

For All You Lexophiles (lovers of words) 

~ A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

~ Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.

~ A backward poet writes inverse.

~ In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

~ If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

~ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. 

~ You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

~ He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

~ A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

~ He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~ Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Today’s Thought

If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound.

Friday's Funnies

Halloween Puns

Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost when they got in their car?

A: Fasten your sheet belt.

Q: What do you say when you meet a 3 headed monster?

A: Hello. Hello. Hello.

Q: What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?

A: A Skele-tan.

Q: Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?

A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

Q: Why did the spider buy a car?

A: He wanted to take it for a spin.

Q: What do little ghosts drink?

A: Evaporated milk.

Q: What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?

A: A terror wrist.

Payback

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Things Kids Say

My three-year-old daughter exclaimed very loudly at a funeral, during the moment of silence, "WHAT's IN THE BOX?" Gotta love them!

When Sarah was in kindergarten, her school celebrated Drug Free week with a parade, local celebrity speakers, a rally and drug awareness activities throughout the week. When I picked her up from school after the parade, I asked her what she learned about drugs that day. Her response made me laugh out loud. She said, "Drugs are free at my school!" Needless to say, we had many conversations after that about the arrangement of the words!

"After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!"

AND...

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Bold Thief

A man went camping in a state park. Before leaving his car to go hiking he left a note on the dashboard saying, "The stereo is broke."  He did this to deter thieves from breaking into his older model car. When returning from his hike the man noticed his car window was broken and the stereo was cut from the dashboard.  A note was left by the thief saying, "We'll fix it."

Second Opinion

A wife asks her husband, "Did you like supper?"  Trying to be polite, the husband says, "Yes."  "I was just wondering," she said, "because when I gave some to the cats they tried to bury it."

Quick Takes

• I don't think I got the job at Microsoft. They haven't responded to my telegram.
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
• Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
• Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

The Funeral

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing. 

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.  The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.  The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.  The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

Vengeance

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

Today’s Thought

I once was writing on a piece of paper and wondering if the word I just wrote was spelled correctly. So I paused to see if a red squiggly line would appear underneath. It didn't.

Friday's Funnies

Turnabout

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera." He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.  "Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Lunch Plans

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Ice Cream

A not-so-bright man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."  The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning.  We're out of chocolate," "In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says.  "We have no chocolate."  "Then just give me some chocolate," he says.  Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"  The man says, "V-A-N."  "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."  "OK.  S-T-R-A-W."  "Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."  The man hesitates.  Then he says.  "There is no stink in chocolate."  "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

Punny

·         It started to rain and Noah said, "Now I herd everything." (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

·         The moonshiner artist excelled at "still" life. (Jumble)

·         A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, "Why don't you take a bus home?" The drunk replied, "My wife would never let me keep it!" (Carl Franklin)

·         Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. (Myrrdins)

But The Sign Says...

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles." The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile. When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."

Not Again

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb squarely on top of the meat. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my meal with your hand on my steak!" "What," says the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

Church Bulletinboard Signs

• "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."
• "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
• "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
• "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
• "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
• "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
• "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
• "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
• "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

Smile of the day

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything -- it was, after all, the captain's parrot.  One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another.  After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Real Faith

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.  "What are you doing?" he asked her.  She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

 Today’s Thought

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must love their churches.

Friday's Funnies

Baseball Fanatic

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic.  She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.  I told her she's way off base.

Funny Book Authors

"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe

"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia

"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss

"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum

"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover

"How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner

"Winning Big".....by Jack Potts

"Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech

"I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight

Lawyer

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.   The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"  "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

Q&A

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?

A: Because he neverlands.

Name Game

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a business-branded credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

The Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all evening." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly looks at him and shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Shorts

·         Everybody talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

·         A jumper cable walks into a café. The waitress says, "Okay, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."

·         I'm not fat. I just too short for my weight.

·         Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.

Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR director asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"  The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."  Kathy said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"  The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" Kathy replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Punny Quotes

·         "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said dolefully.

·         "I dropped the toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen.

·         "We don't need a home-run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly.

·         "I'll dig another ditch around the castle," Tom said remotely.

·         "I keep shocking myself," said Tom, revolted.

·         "My steering wheel won't turn," Tom said straightforwardly.

·         "I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded.

·         "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said bashfully.

·         "I'll have to telegraph him again," Tom said remorsefully.

·         "I can't get down from the mountain," Tom alleged.

·         "Let's play a C, E and G," said Tom's band, in accord.

·         "You call this a musical?" asked Les miserably.

Dirty Toothbrush

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.  "What's the matter?" asked his father.

"I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."  "Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out."  So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.  "Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.  "Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago." 

Today’s Thought

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? (I feel like I've forgotten this before…)