Friday's Funnies

Halloween Puns

Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost when they got in their car?

A: Fasten your sheet belt.

Q: What do you say when you meet a 3 headed monster?

A: Hello. Hello. Hello.

Q: What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?

A: A Skele-tan.

Q: Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?

A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

Q: Why did the spider buy a car?

A: He wanted to take it for a spin.

Q: What do little ghosts drink?

A: Evaporated milk.

Q: What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?

A: A terror wrist.

Payback

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Things Kids Say

My three-year-old daughter exclaimed very loudly at a funeral, during the moment of silence, "WHAT's IN THE BOX?" Gotta love them!

When Sarah was in kindergarten, her school celebrated Drug Free week with a parade, local celebrity speakers, a rally and drug awareness activities throughout the week. When I picked her up from school after the parade, I asked her what she learned about drugs that day. Her response made me laugh out loud. She said, "Drugs are free at my school!" Needless to say, we had many conversations after that about the arrangement of the words!

"After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!"

AND...

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Bold Thief

A man went camping in a state park. Before leaving his car to go hiking he left a note on the dashboard saying, "The stereo is broke."  He did this to deter thieves from breaking into his older model car. When returning from his hike the man noticed his car window was broken and the stereo was cut from the dashboard.  A note was left by the thief saying, "We'll fix it."

Second Opinion

A wife asks her husband, "Did you like supper?"  Trying to be polite, the husband says, "Yes."  "I was just wondering," she said, "because when I gave some to the cats they tried to bury it."

Quick Takes

• I don't think I got the job at Microsoft. They haven't responded to my telegram.
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
• Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
• Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

The Funeral

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing. 

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.  The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.  The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.  The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

Vengeance

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

Today’s Thought

I once was writing on a piece of paper and wondering if the word I just wrote was spelled correctly. So I paused to see if a red squiggly line would appear underneath. It didn't.