Friday's Funnies

Baseball Fanatic

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic.  She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.  I told her she's way off base.

Funny Book Authors

"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe

"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia

"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss

"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum

"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover

"How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner

"Winning Big".....by Jack Potts

"Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech

"I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight

Lawyer

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.   The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"  "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

Q&A

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?

A: Because he neverlands.

Name Game

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a business-branded credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

The Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all evening." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly looks at him and shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Shorts

·         Everybody talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

·         A jumper cable walks into a café. The waitress says, "Okay, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."

·         I'm not fat. I just too short for my weight.

·         Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.

Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR director asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"  The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."  Kathy said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"  The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" Kathy replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Punny Quotes

·         "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said dolefully.

·         "I dropped the toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen.

·         "We don't need a home-run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly.

·         "I'll dig another ditch around the castle," Tom said remotely.

·         "I keep shocking myself," said Tom, revolted.

·         "My steering wheel won't turn," Tom said straightforwardly.

·         "I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded.

·         "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said bashfully.

·         "I'll have to telegraph him again," Tom said remorsefully.

·         "I can't get down from the mountain," Tom alleged.

·         "Let's play a C, E and G," said Tom's band, in accord.

·         "You call this a musical?" asked Les miserably.

Dirty Toothbrush

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.  "What's the matter?" asked his father.

"I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."  "Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out."  So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.  "Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.  "Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago." 

Today’s Thought

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? (I feel like I've forgotten this before…)