Friday's Funnies

You are probably…

If you can start the day without caffeine, if you are always cheerful, if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, if you are understanding when your loved ones are too busy for you, if you never treat a rich friend better than a poor friend, if you face the world without lies and deceit, then you are probably the family dog!

Top Ten Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

10) The preacher announces the sermon is from Genesis . . .  and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60s.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this stuff?”

3) You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when the pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah, the Shepherd Boy, and His Ark of Many Colors.” 

Air-head

An air-head spies a letter lying on the doormat.  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."  The air-head spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

Camouflage

A young soldier was up before his commanding officer for a reprimand.  After going through a list of his misdemeanors the CO says, "And another thing, I didn't see you in camouflage practice this morning."  "Thank you, Sir," the soldier replied.

Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman.  "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.  "I juggle them in my act."  "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."   The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.  "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Statistically Verifiable

Research shows that 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

For All You Lexophiles (lovers of words) 

~ A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

~ Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.

~ A backward poet writes inverse.

~ In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

~ If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

~ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. 

~ You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

~ He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

~ A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

~ He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~ Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Today’s Thought

If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound.