Friday's Funnies

Women in a Gym

New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends.  So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."  After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband--the fat one."

Binary joke

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't get this joke.

Where's Mommy?

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?"  In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."  This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.  "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."  He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.  Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad!  What is it really?"

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.

The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.

The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.

Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.

We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.

Winter Classes for Men at the “Learning Center for Adults”

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 - How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?  Round Table Discussion.  Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?  Group Practice.  Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4  - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor.  Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.  Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 - After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?  Examples on Video.  Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 - Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.  Help Line Support and Support Groups.  Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 - Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places & Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.  Open Forum .  Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 - Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.  Graphics and Audio Tapes.   Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.  Real Life Testimonials.  Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10  - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?  Driving Simulations.  4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 - Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.  Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.  Relaxation Exercises, Prayer and Breathing Techniques.  Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates & Calling When You're Going To Be Late.  Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.  Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 - The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.  Live Demonstration.  Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Today’s Thought

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.

Friday's Funnies

The Gift of Music

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"

Capturing the Essence

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Murphy's Laws of Parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
3. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
4. A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
5. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
6. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
7. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
8. If the shoe fits . . . it's expensive.
9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

Silly Bird Riddles

What birds spend all their time on their knees?

Birds of prey.

What do you call a very rude bird?

A mockingbird.

Where do birds meet for coffee?

In a nest-cafe.

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

Fowl play.

What language do birds speak?

Pigeon English.

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?

A bird that will talk you ear off.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?

He didn't give a hoot.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A great walkie-talkie.

Where Do Babies Come From?

On the way back from a cub scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?"  After my son hemmed and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

Demons

When Jesus commanded the demons to come out of the man called Legion, the demons begged Jesus to cast them into the swine heard nearby. Jesus did, and the pigs ran over the cliff.  That is the first mention of deviled ham in the Bible.

Real Estate

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points.  To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.  The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."  "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.  "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

The 10 Commandments of Email

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

"Golden Rule" of E-Mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Today’s Thoughts

Before you marry a person you should make them use an old computer with slow internet to see who they truly are.

Friday's Funnies

Reflections on Aging

~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

~ Long ago when old men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

The Painter

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said as he handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."  Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something, he asked, "What's the matter? Did you forget something?"  "Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

What Would Look Sillier?

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.  "Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.  "Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow."  "Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

At the Zoo

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. "Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ... " "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. " ... what bus should I take home?"

The Swindle

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper. Where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

Confidence

A confident little boy was practicing baseball. He said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" Then he threw the ball up and made a huge swing and missed. He picked up the ball again, said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed again. Once more, he said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed the ball yet again. He raised both his arms and cheered: "Hooray! I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!!"

But The Sign Said....

Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.

The Meeting In The Air

A man finally summons the courage to go sky diving for the very first time. The preparation and plane flight go smoothly, but immediately after jumping from the plane, he is unable to get his parachute to deploy. As he hurtles towards the earth, he is shocked to see a man rocketing upwards toward him. As they pass in the air, the skydiver yells, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" The second man responds, "No. Do you know anything about gas grills?"

Weight A Spell

Eye halve a spelling chequer; it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye ran this poem threw it, I'm shore your pleased two no;
Its letter perfect in it's weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

You Know You Have a Bad Computer When...

10. The lower corner of screen has the words "Etch A Sketch" on it.

9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes.

8. You have to pedal it.

7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"

6. The only chip inside came from a bag of Doritos.

5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.

4. You catch a virus from it.

3. The screen frequently freezes and a message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Chester?"

2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.

1. It cyber-snickers at you.

Today’s Thought

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

Friday's Funnies

GRAMMAR OOPS

~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears

Things You Never Say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

6. I pay your salary!

7. Wow, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

8. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

Coming to visit

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment.  I am in apartment 301.  There is a big panel at the front door.  With your elbow, push button 301.  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow push 3.  When you get out, I'm on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What?! You coming empty handed?"

Sermon Responses

First Member:  I thought the sermon was divine. It reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding.

Second Member:  It reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.

Noise Abatement

Aunt Karen is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."

Not Right

"Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"  "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.  "Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.  "No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."

Leaf 'em alone:

 My wife and I hate raking leaves. I leaned on the rake, looked gloomily at the task before me and commented. "I'll bet every leaf for miles has blown into our yard.   "They should," she replied.  "They know where they're safe."

The Birthday Wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I want a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," the boy said, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Speeding Registration

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.  "I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.  The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."  It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.

Today’s Thought

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Friday's Funnies

The Surprise Party

As my son's seventh birthday approached, his excitement was reaching fever pitch. As usual, Tommy was allowed to invite about a dozen kids who live on our block. The morning of the big day, a woman called to say she couldn't make the party. I must have sounded confused, so she added, "I'm Tommy's teacher." She paused, then said, "Didn't you know he'd invited me?" "No," I said, "but you're welcome to drop in later for a slice of birthday cake." After another pause, she said, "Did you know he asked the entire class... 33 children in all?" I thanked her, hung up and turned to Tommy, who was fairly bursting with glee. I asked why he had done such a thing. "I always wanted a surprise party, Mom! Are you surprised?"

Not Today

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left.)

Kids Talk About Astronomy:

• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Kids Talk About Meteorology:

• You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

Confident

A confident little boy was practicing baseball.  He said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!"  Then he threw the ball up and made a huge swing and missed.  He picked up the ball again, said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed again.  Once more, he said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed the ball yet again.  He raised both his arms and cheered: "Hooray! I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!!"

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM BIBLICAL MOTHERS OR WIVES By Grant MacDonald

10.  Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"

  

9.  Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)

  

8.  Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"

  

7.  Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"

  

6.  David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"

  

5.  Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"

  

4.  Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)

  

3.  Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"

  

2.   Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"

  

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

  

1.  Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?" How do you feel now "Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public"?! (Mat 27:19)

Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer; it came with my pea sea.  It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.  Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write.  It shows me strait a weigh.  As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.  Eye ran this poem threw it, I'm shore your pleased two no; Its letter perfect in it's weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

The Penny

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Today’s Thought

Silence is golden. Unless you have a preschooler, then silence is suspicious.

Friday's Funnies

Modern Tools

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

Message

Our kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through our daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with our daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start

Shreds of wisdom

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

6. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

11. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

12. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

13. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

14. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

19. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

22. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

AND . . . (drum roll please?)

24. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Today’s Thought

Have you noticed that when someone says "To make a long story short..." it's generally too late?

Friday's Funnies

Metric system

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day-to-day use, Americans are familiar with the basic units, like grams, kilograms, meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units they’re clueless. To help the educational process along a bit …

* 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

* Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

* 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

* Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

* 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

* Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

* 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

* 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

* 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

* 52 cards = 1 decacards

* 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

* 10 rations = 1 decoration

* 100 rations = 1 C-ration

* 4 nickels = 1 paradigm

* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Translation Oops

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.  When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."  The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."  One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

The Third Biggest Lie

Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."

- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."

- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."

- "You don't look a day over 40."

- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."

- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."

- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."

- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."

- "Your hair looks just fine."

- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."

- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."

Flowers

A forgetful husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, and provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates, along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."  His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.   "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do?"   The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

Taxes Defined

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Book

I've been reading a book all week called "Anti-Gravity"...I just can't put it down!