Animal noises
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
First she asked, "Davie, what noise does a cow make?"
He responded, "It goes moo."
The she asked, "Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
Alice replied, "It goes meow."
Finally she questioned one last child, "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
She replied, "It goes... click!"
The Best Answers of 2009!!
SMART ANSWER #5
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes, or no,' she replied.
SMART ANSWER #4
Beth was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
#1 SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's pretty near perfect!’
“Senior” personal ads
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, and sunsets. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Blonde jokes
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see, 'Closed for the Winter'.
+++++
A blonde, carrying a baby in her arms, enters a pharmacy and asks to use the infant scale to weigh the baby.
The clerk explains that the infant scale is out for repair, but she could figure out the infant's weight by weighing mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"Oh, that will never work!" groaned the blonde. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt!"
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Friday's Funnies
15 Exercises We'd Be Better Off Without in 2010
• Jumping on the bandwagon
• Wading through paperwork
• Running around in circles
• Pushing your luck
• Spinning your wheels
• Adding fuel to the fire
• Beating your head against the wall
• Climbing the walls
• Beating your own drum
• Dragging your heels
• Jumping to conclusions
• Grasping at straws
• Fishing for compliments
• Throwing your weight around
• Passing the buck
The Importance of Walking(Walkers take note!)
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 95 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Oh...
Patty began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she walked outside and noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Patty approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Patty noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Patty offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Patty then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Good News / Bad News
"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn't even know we were having." "That's great!" I said. "But why didn't you know about the quiz?" "Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."
Running Late
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"
Money for the Pastor
A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?" And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"
New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:
Week One of Evening Classes for Men
1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (pictures and graphics)
3) DISHES & CUTLERY;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts
4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
5) LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups
6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
7) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation
9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
11) LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN you're GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
Week 3 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 1
Week 4 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 2
• Jumping on the bandwagon
• Wading through paperwork
• Running around in circles
• Pushing your luck
• Spinning your wheels
• Adding fuel to the fire
• Beating your head against the wall
• Climbing the walls
• Beating your own drum
• Dragging your heels
• Jumping to conclusions
• Grasping at straws
• Fishing for compliments
• Throwing your weight around
• Passing the buck
The Importance of Walking(Walkers take note!)
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 95 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Oh...
Patty began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she walked outside and noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Patty approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Patty noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Patty offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Patty then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Good News / Bad News
"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn't even know we were having." "That's great!" I said. "But why didn't you know about the quiz?" "Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."
Running Late
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"
Money for the Pastor
A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?" And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"
New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:
Week One of Evening Classes for Men
1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (pictures and graphics)
3) DISHES & CUTLERY;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts
4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
5) LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups
6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
7) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation
9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
11) LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN you're GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
Week 3 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 1
Week 4 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 2
Friday, January 8, 2010
Friday's Funnies
New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
• Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.
• Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
• Stop bringing lunch from home — eat out more.
• Don't have eight children at once.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
• Only wear jeans that are two sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
• Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
• Create loose ends.
• Get more toys.
• Get further in debt.
• Don't believe politicians.
• Break at least one traffic law.
• Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
• Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
• Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
• Wait for opportunity to knock.
• Focus on the faults of others.
• Mope about faults.
• Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Memory—The Hereafter
"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"
Memory—Pondering
A man started up the stairs, stopped about halfway up, and couldn't remember what he was going upstairs for. "I'm going to sit right here on the step," he said to himself, "until I can remember what I'm going upstairs for." After some thought, he couldn't remember if he was going up or down.
Memory—Names
Two men, who had been playing golf together for many years, were discussing the embarrassing problem of forgetting names. One of them said, "For example, what is your name? I can't think of it just now." The other thought for a while and finally asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
Memory—Gone
An elderly couple was watching TV and the husband said, "I think a dish of ice cream would be nice." The wife said, "Yes, dear, I'll get it." He said, "You'd better write it down, or you'll forget." "Nonsense." "Oh, yes, and let's have some chocolate sauce," the husband added. "Yes, dear, I'll get it." "OK," the husband said, "but you'd better write it down." Later the wife returned, carrying bacon and eggs. The husband said, "I told you to write it down!" But she asked, "Why? What did I forget?" He replied, "You forgot the toast!"
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
• 50 Fahrenheit (10 C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.
• 35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down.
• 32 Fahrenheit (0 C) American water freezes Canadian water gets thicker.
• 0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
• -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
• -109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C) Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. Canadians pull down their earflaps.
• -173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
• -459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15A C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
• -500 Fahrenheit (-295 C) Hell freezes over.* The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.**
*Not theologically correct. **Not sportingly correct.
The next one
A young couple brought their first baby home, a darling little girl. After a few days of dealing with the dirty diapers, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at the smelly task.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he replied. "But don't worry; I'll do the next one."
Two hours later 'the next time' came around and she asked again.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he said again. "Don't you worry; I'll do the next one."
Again a couple of hours went by and the diaper needed to be changed again. Again the husband declined.
"You keep telling me you'll do the next one," his wife complained. "But every time she needs a new diaper you won't change her!"
The husband looked puzzled, and then smiled. "Oh! I meant the next baby!"
Please and Thank You
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she asked. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Too Effective
Jon had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Jon went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Jon slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss," But where were you yesterday?"
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
• Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.
• Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
• Stop bringing lunch from home — eat out more.
• Don't have eight children at once.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
• Only wear jeans that are two sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
• Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
• Create loose ends.
• Get more toys.
• Get further in debt.
• Don't believe politicians.
• Break at least one traffic law.
• Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
• Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
• Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
• Wait for opportunity to knock.
• Focus on the faults of others.
• Mope about faults.
• Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Memory—The Hereafter
"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"
Memory—Pondering
A man started up the stairs, stopped about halfway up, and couldn't remember what he was going upstairs for. "I'm going to sit right here on the step," he said to himself, "until I can remember what I'm going upstairs for." After some thought, he couldn't remember if he was going up or down.
Memory—Names
Two men, who had been playing golf together for many years, were discussing the embarrassing problem of forgetting names. One of them said, "For example, what is your name? I can't think of it just now." The other thought for a while and finally asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
Memory—Gone
An elderly couple was watching TV and the husband said, "I think a dish of ice cream would be nice." The wife said, "Yes, dear, I'll get it." He said, "You'd better write it down, or you'll forget." "Nonsense." "Oh, yes, and let's have some chocolate sauce," the husband added. "Yes, dear, I'll get it." "OK," the husband said, "but you'd better write it down." Later the wife returned, carrying bacon and eggs. The husband said, "I told you to write it down!" But she asked, "Why? What did I forget?" He replied, "You forgot the toast!"
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
• 50 Fahrenheit (10 C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.
• 35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down.
• 32 Fahrenheit (0 C) American water freezes Canadian water gets thicker.
• 0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
• -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
• -109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C) Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. Canadians pull down their earflaps.
• -173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
• -459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15A C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
• -500 Fahrenheit (-295 C) Hell freezes over.* The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.**
*Not theologically correct. **Not sportingly correct.
The next one
A young couple brought their first baby home, a darling little girl. After a few days of dealing with the dirty diapers, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at the smelly task.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he replied. "But don't worry; I'll do the next one."
Two hours later 'the next time' came around and she asked again.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he said again. "Don't you worry; I'll do the next one."
Again a couple of hours went by and the diaper needed to be changed again. Again the husband declined.
"You keep telling me you'll do the next one," his wife complained. "But every time she needs a new diaper you won't change her!"
The husband looked puzzled, and then smiled. "Oh! I meant the next baby!"
Please and Thank You
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she asked. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Too Effective
Jon had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Jon went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Jon slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss," But where were you yesterday?"
Friday, December 18, 2009
Friday's Funnies
How Wise
I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, "Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers."
And The Winner Is
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
On Second Thought...
Little Johnny was with Santa Claus. "I wan’na have a train, a six-gun, an erector set, a chemistry set, a cowboy suit, a bicycle, a scooter, a catcher's mitt, a set of soldiers, a toy garage with cars and trucks and a heavy crane..." "Okay," laughed Santa. "I'll look in the book and see if you were a good boy." "Never mind looking in the book. I'll settle for a pair of roller skates... "
The Gift
During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn't get home for Christmas. So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."
The Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never read your Bibles!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and rifled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here... 'The three wise men came from afar'."
Christmas Riddles
What do elves learn in school? [The Elf-abet!]
What nationality is Santa Claus? [North Polish.]
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime? [Sandy Claws!]
What kind of bird can write? [A PENguin.]
Who is never hungry at Christmas? [The turkey, he is always stuffed.]
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? [Claustrophobic.]
Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Prisoner: "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
Judge: "That's not an offense. How early were you doing this shopping?"
Prisoner: "Before the store opened."
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
Clerk: "What denomination?"
Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? [Snowflakes.]
What are Christmas trees like bad knitters? [They both drop their needles.]
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? [Crisp Cringle.]
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree? [A pineapple.]
What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party? [Freeze a jolly good fellow...]
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? [A subordinate claus.]
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?? [Santa of course, the other two don't exist!]
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? [Because he had low elf esteem.]
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? [Frostbite.]
What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
[They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.]
Holiday Tip
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, "Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers."
And The Winner Is
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
On Second Thought...
Little Johnny was with Santa Claus. "I wan’na have a train, a six-gun, an erector set, a chemistry set, a cowboy suit, a bicycle, a scooter, a catcher's mitt, a set of soldiers, a toy garage with cars and trucks and a heavy crane..." "Okay," laughed Santa. "I'll look in the book and see if you were a good boy." "Never mind looking in the book. I'll settle for a pair of roller skates... "
The Gift
During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn't get home for Christmas. So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."
The Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never read your Bibles!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and rifled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here... 'The three wise men came from afar'."
Christmas Riddles
What do elves learn in school? [The Elf-abet!]
What nationality is Santa Claus? [North Polish.]
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime? [Sandy Claws!]
What kind of bird can write? [A PENguin.]
Who is never hungry at Christmas? [The turkey, he is always stuffed.]
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? [Claustrophobic.]
Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Prisoner: "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
Judge: "That's not an offense. How early were you doing this shopping?"
Prisoner: "Before the store opened."
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
Clerk: "What denomination?"
Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? [Snowflakes.]
What are Christmas trees like bad knitters? [They both drop their needles.]
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? [Crisp Cringle.]
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree? [A pineapple.]
What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party? [Freeze a jolly good fellow...]
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? [A subordinate claus.]
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?? [Santa of course, the other two don't exist!]
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? [Because he had low elf esteem.]
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? [Frostbite.]
What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
[They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.]
Holiday Tip
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
Friday, December 11, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Important Notice:
Due to recent budget cuts, the stock market crash, and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience. Sincerely, The Government
You know you're growing old when...
• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
• The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car — from the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they actually work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You've had three separate opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic "for the last time in a generation"
Living The Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five-and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Reduced Cookies
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!" "Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied. Puzzled, the wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that effect, so she asked, "What makes you think that?" "Well, we ate about a third of the boxful on the way home."
Children in Church
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear.."
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's suit"..
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
Twelve Things You Probably Didn't Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake
1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.
5. It's colorful; use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.
10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.
The Force
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
Due to recent budget cuts, the stock market crash, and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience. Sincerely, The Government
You know you're growing old when...
• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
• The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car — from the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they actually work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You've had three separate opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic "for the last time in a generation"
Living The Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five-and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Reduced Cookies
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!" "Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied. Puzzled, the wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that effect, so she asked, "What makes you think that?" "Well, we ate about a third of the boxful on the way home."
Children in Church
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear.."
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's suit"..
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
Twelve Things You Probably Didn't Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake
1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.
5. It's colorful; use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.
10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.
The Force
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
Friday, December 4, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Right On Schedule
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
The Robber
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!" The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out. This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house! As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife." Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?" The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
My Job History
• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
• Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. • After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.
• Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
• I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
• My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
• I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
• I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
• I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
• I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
• After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
• My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, then I retired ... and found out I was perfect for the job!
Grandchildren
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
When my grandson Arnie and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Arnie whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i ' and add 'es'.'
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently 'It means carrying a child.'
Not To Be Outdone
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed in California, an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California Archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Sentinel, a local newspaper in Pennsylvania, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near the Juniata River, in Lewistown, Pa., Jakey Hoffedekel, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Notre Dame, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jakey has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Pennsylvania had already gone wireless… "
+++++
Two snowmen were walking down the street when one of them stopped suddenly, sniffed, and said, "I smell carrots!"
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
The Robber
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!" The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out. This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house! As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife." Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?" The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
My Job History
• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
• Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. • After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.
• Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
• I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
• My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
• I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
• I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
• I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
• I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
• After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
• My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, then I retired ... and found out I was perfect for the job!
Grandchildren
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
When my grandson Arnie and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Arnie whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i ' and add 'es'.'
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently 'It means carrying a child.'
Not To Be Outdone
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed in California, an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California Archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Sentinel, a local newspaper in Pennsylvania, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near the Juniata River, in Lewistown, Pa., Jakey Hoffedekel, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Notre Dame, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jakey has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Pennsylvania had already gone wireless… "
+++++
Two snowmen were walking down the street when one of them stopped suddenly, sniffed, and said, "I smell carrots!"
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Yeah right they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' she calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'
Good Puns…
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'
12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass... '
13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Makes A Difference
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise. One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night. "Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
Count On It
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
Accountant In Training
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
Would You Be Scared?
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
Day-Challenged
Jon called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where his Sunday paper was. "Sir," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday." There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sudden burst of enlightenment: "I'll bet that's why no one was in church today, too… "
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Yeah right they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' she calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'
Good Puns…
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'
12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass... '
13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Makes A Difference
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise. One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night. "Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
Count On It
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
Accountant In Training
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
Would You Be Scared?
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
Day-Challenged
Jon called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where his Sunday paper was. "Sir," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday." There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sudden burst of enlightenment: "I'll bet that's why no one was in church today, too… "
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