Friday's Funnies

New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
• Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.
• Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
• Stop bringing lunch from home — eat out more.
• Don't have eight children at once.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
• Only wear jeans that are two sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
• Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
• Create loose ends.
• Get more toys.
• Get further in debt.
• Don't believe politicians.
• Break at least one traffic law.
• Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
• Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
• Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
• Wait for opportunity to knock.
• Focus on the faults of others.
• Mope about faults.
• Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Memory—The Hereafter

"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"

Memory—Pondering

A man started up the stairs, stopped about halfway up, and couldn't remember what he was going upstairs for. "I'm going to sit right here on the step," he said to himself, "until I can remember what I'm going upstairs for." After some thought, he couldn't remember if he was going up or down.

Memory—Names

Two men, who had been playing golf together for many years, were discussing the embarrassing problem of forgetting names. One of them said, "For example, what is your name? I can't think of it just now." The other thought for a while and finally asked, "How soon do you need to know?"

Memory—Gone
An elderly couple was watching TV and the husband said, "I think a dish of ice cream would be nice." The wife said, "Yes, dear, I'll get it." He said, "You'd better write it down, or you'll forget." "Nonsense." "Oh, yes, and let's have some chocolate sauce," the husband added. "Yes, dear, I'll get it." "OK," the husband said, "but you'd better write it down." Later the wife returned, carrying bacon and eggs. The husband said, "I told you to write it down!" But she asked, "Why? What did I forget?" He replied, "You forgot the toast!"

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

• 50 Fahrenheit (10 C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.
• 35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down.
• 32 Fahrenheit (0 C) American water freezes Canadian water gets thicker.
• 0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
• -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
• -109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C) Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. Canadians pull down their earflaps.
• -173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
• -459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15A C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
• -500 Fahrenheit (-295 C) Hell freezes over.* The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.**

*Not theologically correct. **Not sportingly correct.

The next one

A young couple brought their first baby home, a darling little girl. After a few days of dealing with the dirty diapers, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at the smelly task.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he replied. "But don't worry; I'll do the next one."
Two hours later 'the next time' came around and she asked again.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he said again. "Don't you worry; I'll do the next one."
Again a couple of hours went by and the diaper needed to be changed again. Again the husband declined.
"You keep telling me you'll do the next one," his wife complained. "But every time she needs a new diaper you won't change her!"
The husband looked puzzled, and then smiled. "Oh! I meant the next baby!"
Please and Thank You
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she asked. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

Too Effective

Jon had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Jon went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Jon slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss," But where were you yesterday?"