Friday's Funnies

15 Exercises We'd Be Better Off Without in 2010
• Jumping on the bandwagon
• Wading through paperwork
• Running around in circles
• Pushing your luck
• Spinning your wheels
• Adding fuel to the fire
• Beating your head against the wall
• Climbing the walls
• Beating your own drum
• Dragging your heels
• Jumping to conclusions
• Grasping at straws
• Fishing for compliments
• Throwing your weight around
• Passing the buck

The Importance of Walking(Walkers take note!)
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 95 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh...
Patty began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she walked outside and noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Patty approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Patty noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Patty offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Patty then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Good News / Bad News
"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn't even know we were having." "That's great!" I said. "But why didn't you know about the quiz?" "Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."

Running Late
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

Money for the Pastor
A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?" And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"

New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:

Week One of Evening Classes for Men
1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (pictures and graphics)
3) DISHES & CUTLERY;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts
4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
5) LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups
6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
7) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation
9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
11) LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN you're GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

Week 3 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 1

Week 4 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 2