Friday's Funnies

How Wise

I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, "Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers."

And The Winner Is

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth 500 points!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

On Second Thought...

Little Johnny was with Santa Claus. "I wan’na have a train, a six-gun, an erector set, a chemistry set, a cowboy suit, a bicycle, a scooter, a catcher's mitt, a set of soldiers, a toy garage with cars and trucks and a heavy crane..." "Okay," laughed Santa. "I'll look in the book and see if you were a good boy." "Never mind looking in the book. I'll settle for a pair of roller skates... "

The Gift

During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn't get home for Christmas. So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."

The Wise Men

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never read your Bibles!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and rifled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here... 'The three wise men came from afar'."

Christmas Riddles
What do elves learn in school? [The Elf-abet!]

What nationality is Santa Claus? [North Polish.]

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime? [Sandy Claws!]

What kind of bird can write? [A PENguin.]

Who is never hungry at Christmas? [The turkey, he is always stuffed.]

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? [Claustrophobic.]

Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Prisoner: "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
Judge: "That's not an offense. How early were you doing this shopping?"
Prisoner: "Before the store opened."

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
Clerk: "What denomination?"
Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? [Snowflakes.]

What are Christmas trees like bad knitters? [They both drop their needles.]

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? [Crisp Cringle.]

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree? [A pineapple.]

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party? [Freeze a jolly good fellow...]

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? [A subordinate claus.]

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?? [Santa of course, the other two don't exist!]

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? [Because he had low elf esteem.]

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? [Frostbite.]

What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
[They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.]

Holiday Tip

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?