Friday's Funnies

 

Healthy Eating

 

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.  "I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."  "I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

 

Need A Vacation

 

A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands--that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends. It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

 

Puns For The Kid In Us

- Why was the cookie so unhappy?  Because his mother was a wafer so long.

- Why did the waiter fall over?  He was tipped.

- Why did the ocean refuse her boyfriend's marriage proposal?  She didn't want to be tide down. (Cynthia MacGregor)

- Define "Pharmacist": A helper on the farm.

- Use "Lettuce" in a sentence: This New Year's eve LETTUCE celebrate together.

- Headline: Defendant's Speech Ends In Long Sentence

- Book Title: "Why I Was Sent To Prison" by Robin Banks

- The blind man picked up a hammer and saw!

- If you drop a piano down a mine shaft, you'll get A flat minor.

- Whether it's a pancake or a baseball team, the secret is to start with a good batter.

Playing Doctor

 

The seven-year-old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

Revenge

 

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."  He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

 

It's Not A Cat, It’s …

A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
A wildlife control expert impersonator.
An un-programmable animal.
A four footed allergen.
A hair relocation expert.
A treat-seeking missile.
A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.
A small, furry lap fungus.

Animal Superbowl

 

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Blond Joke

 

A blond driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. The blond remembered what Dad had said: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."  Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it, for about forty-five minutes.  Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what happened. The blond explained what Dad said.  The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

Dad Joke

 

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His mom got really angry.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

Friday's Funnies

 Thinking Alike

A couple returning from their honeymoon was in a deep discussion about people and their actions. John, the husband indicated: "I have always maintained that no two people on earth think alike."  Mary, his loving new bride commented: "You'll change your mind when you look over our wedding presents."

Donations

A tired homemaker answered the doorbell to find a young minister who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building.  I hope you'll give what you can."  "To be sure," said the beleaguered woman. "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each." 

Milestone

One milestone of a healthy marriage is when your wedding gifts begin wearing out and breaking down.

Random One Liners

• You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
• What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
• My New Year's resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.
• Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
• What's the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?  One requires tweetment and the other requires Oinkment.
• What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
• Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
• My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.
• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always exactly fits in the newspaper.
• You can't lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, then what you've lost is a pigeon.
• Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere.

 You Didn’t Ask

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.  "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"  "Ten," said Buffy.  So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.  "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"  "Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

Meet My Dogs

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs.  She asked, "What are their names?"  The friend replied, "That one is Rolex and this one is Timex."  The girl said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"  "What's wrong with it?" said the friend, "they're watch dogs."

Chocolate Covered Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we've got no teeth," she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Then why do you buy them?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

The Famous Man

One day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there, everybody greeted him warmly.  One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?"  The old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you."

Getting Wiser?

Some people get wiser as they get older, and others just get older.  I read in Reader's Digest of a man who had just turned sixty, planting his spring garden, with the help of his 91-year-old father. The older man began to setup the bean poles in straight lines, but his son protested that arranging them teepee-style was better. They argued for several minutes over which method was best.  Finally, the son said, "Dad, this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees!"  The father threw down his hoe and stomped off toward the house, snorting as he went, "You kids! Turn sixty and you think you know everything!"

Hospital Visitation

Fred was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10-ton truck and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him.  Fred struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sally visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."  "What does she read?"  "My life insurance policy."

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in France?  Da brie was everywhere!

Today’s Thought

 I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

 

Friday's Funnies

 

21 YEARS – I sent out my first Friday Funnies on January 28, 2000.  Why do I do it?  To make you smile and as a reminder for you to pray for us.  I enjoyed this recent e-mail, “Stan, thank you for this fun goofitude that you have so faithfully kept up over, how many years now? We love it!! Keep it up Friend. And may Jesus bless your socks off as you remain faithful in the important work that He has entrusted to you.”

 

Getting Older

The fact that my body cracks like a glow stick every time I move yet doesn't actually glow is disappointing.

 

Bacon

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

 

Wedding Ceremony

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.  After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.  For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.  "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.  Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Reality Check

On a tour of Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, the guide stopped and addressed the crowd.  "Do you want to see what a real cave looks like?" he asked.  Of course, everyone shouted yes.  Without another word, he shut off all the lights.

 

Poker Night

 

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.  "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"  "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

 

The Differences Between The First Pregnancy And All The Ones To Follow...

 

1st: Cannot contain the excitement of telling absolutely everyone in the world your news and dream about all of the responses to fill your email, voicemail and Facebook page.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: Excited to tell, but also realize that most people will simply give the polite "congrats" because they think you are crazy to keep adding on each additional child.

 

1st: Anxious to fill out the maternity clothes. Constantly checking in the mirror to see if the pouch is there.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: Depressed to find that you cannot button your regular pants before you even reach your first doctor's appointment. Only relief is to let the pouch that never went away out and stop trying to hide it.

 

1st: Begin wearing maternity clothes before you actually have to.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: Begin to cry as you open the bin of maternity clothes because you are wearing them a full two months earlier than the first time around.

 

1st: Morning sickness can be comforted by rest and light snacks.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: You ignore it while you care for your other kids. All snacks must be eaten in secret because the first kids will beg for whatever food they catch you with.

 

1st: You write down every moment of pregnancy into a journal for your baby to read eighteen years later.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: You blog your occasional thoughts so that they can someday be printed out because the action of actually writing in a journal requires alone time that you no longer have.

 

1st: You and your husband spend long moments gazing at your growing belly, dreaming about who this little creature will be.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: You no longer have time to gaze because the first creature constantly interrupts.

 

1st: You beam when friends tell you that you have the pregnancy glow.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: You roll your eyes at the glow comment because you know the truth is that you are sweaty, bloated, tired, and have friends who are lying.

 

1st: You think you can eat anything you want because it is finally okay to gain weight.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: You realize you cannot eat anything you want because you are still recovering from that binge from the first pregnancy.

 

1st: You take all of the pregnancy classes, read all of the books and consider yourself an expert on all things baby related.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: You realize you never knew anything about babies and only check the books when something does not feel right.

 

1st: You worry about embarrassing things happening during the birth, like (gasp) pooping while pushing the baby out.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: You do not care about anything but getting that back-breaking baby out.

 

1st: You pray for the little one growing inside of you and are humbled that you get to carry this life for such a sweet time.

2nd, 3rd, etc.: Well, maybe not everything is different.

 

Today’s though

 

Nothing's scarier than that moment you lose your balance in the shower and think, 'THEY'RE GOING TO FIND ME WITH NOTHING ON!'

 

Friday's Funnies

 

Desperate

 

Day 12 without chocolate...lost hearing in my left eye.

 

Family Planning

 

Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."  Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."  "No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! That I was HOMEMADE."

 

A New Record

 

I don't want to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours.

 

To Eat Or Not To Eat

 

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.  "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Frobisher's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"  The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

 

Quotes About Science

 

·         The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russel

·         When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

·         Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. - Douglas Adams

·         When you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. - Dave Berry

·         If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein

·         Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson

 

Keys

 

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.  Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."  There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"  Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."  He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

 

Dave Barry Quotes

 

·         Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

·         Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

·         It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

·         Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

·         Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

·         The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

·         Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

·         Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

·         If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

·         We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Time Flies

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

 

Hot Shot

 

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!"  He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, "Well, how was that?"  The airplane pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.  After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"  The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"  The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

 

Today’s Thought

 

Do they allow a loud laugh in Hawaii or just a low ha?

Friday's Funnies

 

Human Capacity for Misspeak

 

·         Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

·         In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

·         In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

·         In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

·         In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

·         Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

·         Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

·         Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

·         Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

·         Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

·         Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

·         On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

 

Proofreading Is A Dying Art, Wouldn't You Say?

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya' think?

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 

See if that works better than a fair trial!

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

 

Kids In Grade School Think Fast

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead - Go Slow."

 

TEACHER: Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"

JOHN: In the garden of Eden?

 

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

 

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

 

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

 

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!

 

Today’s Thought

 

I'm starting to really struggle with my New Year's resolution. I ran around the block six times this morning as I had resolved, but I was in so much pain I could barely pick the block up off the floor to put it back in the toy box!

Friday's Funnies

 

Top 10 Innovations Being Developed For 2021

 

10. Gluten-Free Face Masks

9. Chia Personal Bubble

8. Body-Scrubbing Drone

7. Socially-Distanced Murder Hornets

6. Morgan Freeman's Voice Modulator for all Politicians

5. Zoom's Electric Shock 'Reminder' that You're still on Mute

4. Retro pull-start TV remote

3. Pfizer's Zombie Vaccine

2. Tween Yoda

1. New game show, "Wheel of Fauci"

 

New Year's Puns

 

-          What is corn’s favorite holiday? New Ears Eve.

-          What's a cows favorite holiday? Moo Year's Eve

-          They say New York City has the best New Year's celebration, but I say it's overrated. Every year they drop the ball.

-          Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon, but they didn't planet in time.

-          What do farmers grow on January 1? New Year's Hay.

-          Why do you need a jeweler on December 31? To ring in the New Year.

-          What does the little Champagne bottle call his father? Pop!

 

New Year's One-Liners

-          My New Year's resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.

-          I'm going to stay up late this New Year's Eve—not to ring in the New Year, but to make sure this one leaves.

-          Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31.

-          At the beginning of the year, I made a resolution to lose 15 pounds. Only 20 more to go!

-          I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer.

-          We can't let this year end: That would be admitting that 2021.

 

New Year's Jokes for Kids

 

-          Where do you go to do your math homework on New Year's Eve? Times Square

-          What did the ghost say on January 1? "Happy Boo Year"

-          Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year's Eve? He wanted to start the year with sweet dreams.

-          What was the caterpillar's New Year's resolution? To turn over a new leaf.

-          What do dogs say on New Year's Eve? Woof.

-          What did the friends say to each other at midnight on New Year’s Eve? "I haven’t seen you since last year!"

 

What Not To Do This New Year!

 

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand-new bathroom scale.

 

Taste Test

 

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"  His employees replied, "No."  Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"  "His employees replied again, "No."  Finally, the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"  His workers responded, "A puppy."

 

Word Definitions

 

ADULT:

      A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR:

      A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:

      Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:

      The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

      A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

      Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

      Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

      Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

      Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

      An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

      Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

      Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

      A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

      The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

      One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN:

      An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

      Something other people have.  I have character lines.

 

Today’s Thought

 

New Year's resolutions are a to-do list for the first week of January.

Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year's Day!

 

Q: What is a New Year's resolution? A: Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up for New Year's. Middle age is when you're forced to.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

I see no need to make more New Year's resolutions when the ones already on the books aren't being enforced.

This New Year's, I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.

Q: What's the one group that hates New Year's Day? A: The New Year's Eve clean-up crew.

10 Points to ponder at the end of 2020

 

1.  The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

 

2.  2019: Stay away from negative people.

     2020: Stay away from positive people.

 

3.  The world has turned upside down. Old people are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

 

4.  This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog.....  we had a good laugh.

 

5.  Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 

6.  Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

 

7.  I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot barge pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

 

8.  I really need to practice social distancing from the fridge.

 

9.  I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the garden. I’m getting tired of the living room.

 

10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank clerk with a mask on and ask for money.

 

New Year’s Trivia

 

Q: When did the New Year's Eve Ball first drop in Times Square?
A: 1907

Q: How large is the Times Square New Year's Eve Ball in diameter?
A: 12 feet

Q: How much did the first Times Square New Year's Eve Ball weigh?
A: 700 pounds

Q: How much does the Times Square ball weigh in 2020?
A: 11,875 pounds

Q: How much confetti is dropped in Times Square on New Year's Eve?
A: About one ton

Q: What was the most popular 2020 New Year's resolution?
A: To exercise more

Q: In what year was January 1 officially declared the first day of the new year?
A: 46 B.C.

Q: How many glasses of bubbly are consumed on New Year's Eve?
A: 360 million

 

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep

 

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Stop bringing lunch from home--eat out more.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Start being superstitious.

~ Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.

~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Don't believe politicians.

~ Break at least one traffic law.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Wait for opportunity to knock.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Never make New Year's resolutions again.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.