Friday's Funnies

 

Desperate

 

Day 12 without chocolate...lost hearing in my left eye.

 

Family Planning

 

Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."  Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."  "No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! That I was HOMEMADE."

 

A New Record

 

I don't want to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours.

 

To Eat Or Not To Eat

 

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.  "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Frobisher's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"  The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

 

Quotes About Science

 

·         The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russel

·         When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

·         Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. - Douglas Adams

·         When you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. - Dave Berry

·         If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein

·         Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson

 

Keys

 

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.  Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."  There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"  Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."  He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

 

Dave Barry Quotes

 

·         Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

·         Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

·         It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

·         Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

·         Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

·         The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

·         Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

·         Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

·         If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

·         We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Time Flies

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

 

Hot Shot

 

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!"  He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, "Well, how was that?"  The airplane pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.  After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"  The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"  The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

 

Today’s Thought

 

Do they allow a loud laugh in Hawaii or just a low ha?