Friday's Funnies

Falling Temperature

WCBS Newsradio880 anchor on how quickly the temperature dropped in NYC Tuesday:
"Someone said, 'The temperature fell from 90 to 55 so quickly, it was as if it saw a state trooper.'"

Golfer Pacing

A nurse noticed a golfer pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat was bring treated.  "Is he a relative of yours?" she asked.  "No," said the golfer. "It's my ball."

Airhead Thinking

An airhead calls to order a pizza.  The clerk asks, "Do you want that cut in six or 12 pieces?"  The airhead answers, "Oh just six - I could never eat 12 pieces of pizza!"

Scrimping and Saving

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."  "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.  "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

Still Smiling

During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was submitted by our local funeral director.

War Stories

Some men were swapping stories about their war experiences. One fellow who had been in the Foreign Legion was saying, "There we were, it was night, the odds were 1,000 to 3. We didn't know what to do." "Well, what did you do?" another asked. "When morning came, we charged and got all three of them!"

Contacts

A man was driving down the street when an officer stopped him. He said, "May I see your driver's license? Hmmm... This says that you should be wearing glasses." The driver replied, "I have contacts." The officer said, "I don't care who you know, I'm still going to give you a ticket."

50+

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds find eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".

Chessmaster

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: Wow, he must be very smart!
Me: Not really. I beat him two games out of three.

Obit Writing

One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles. "What am I supposed to write?" the editor whined. "She liked puzzles?" Just then one of our copy editors piped up, "How about, 'Crossword fan is now six down.'"

The Army of the Lord

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Front Row

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.  The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.  "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.   "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said.  "The pastor is really boring."  "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.  "No," he said.  "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.  "Do you know who I am?" he asked.  "No," she said.  "Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."

Today’s Thought

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Friday's Funnies

Test Results

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.  The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?"  When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

Football Coach

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.  "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

If The Person Who Named Walkie Talkies Named Everything:

Stamp = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillator = Hearty Starty

Bumblebee - Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy Test - Maybe Baby

Fork = Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

Yes, sir!

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!"  Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"  "Yes, sir!" came the reply.  "Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered.  "Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma?  He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Fisherman's Ode

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.  The one old man reeled in his line, laid down his pole, faced the street, and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.  The other fisherman was amazed and stated, "I didn't know you were that religious."  The other looked at him and said, "Least I could do -- we've been married 42 years!"

The Rules of Bureaucracy

1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

If Dogs Wrote Letters To God...

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: How come there's so much spaghetti and so few meatballs?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologize?

Prescription For Weight Loss

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising.  "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

Top 10 Signs You're Over the Hill

1. When you sleep, people worry you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half his age and isn't breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
9. Sunburns are out, hot flashes are in.

10. You forget that you already had your 50th birthday.

The Greeting

One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream. As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember. But that night, as my wife and I were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

It's What She Heard

A ten-year-old was watching TV with her Grandma. The newscaster interrupted the program to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 11pm," he said. The child exclaimed, "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"

Today’s Thought

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're likely built upside down.

Friday's Funnies

Housecleaning

An employee went to see his supervisor. "Boss," he said, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me for some help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're shorthanded," the boss replied. "I can't give you the day off." "Thank you," said the employee. "I knew I could count on you!"

Sermon Choice

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.  The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"  "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

Obesity

Did you hear about that study that says obesity might be caused by a virus? Tomorrow I think I'll stay home from work and just call in fat.

Students

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.  He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class.  Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked.  "Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply.  Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two."  "We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."

Our Country

The teacher was explaining to her 2nd grade class the significance of Memorial Day, and they were preparing some songs and stories to put on a little show for their parents. At one point the teacher pointed to the American flag and asked, "Does anyone know what flag this is?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country!" "Very good!" the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" Confidently, the girl said, "Tis of thee."

Good Analogy

A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.  "Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"  "No I can't," the captain replied. "Can pilots fly?"

Refrigerator Girl

A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a spicy picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. "What's this about, Mom?" she asks.  "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers.  "Is it working?" her daughter asks.  "Yes and no," her mom replies. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20."

Telling Tails

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat. She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do. He replied calmly, "Get the cat and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart." She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "they are the world's largest retailer."

Baby Thoughts

What your baby would tell you if he or she could talk:

·        There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."

·        I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.

·        I've told you twenty times what a duck says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.

·        There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.

·        I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass and testing wind velocity.

·        If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

·        Who is that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?

·        If my bottom is so cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?

Waiting

Doctor:  Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse:  No change yet.

McDonald’s

A mom was driving her 5-year-old son to McDonald's one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the mom saw something like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, "We should pray."  From the back seat, she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Dude Ranch

A couple from the city went to a Dude Ranch while in Texas.  The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.  He told her one had a horn and one didn't.  She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

Today’s Thought

Etc.: An abbreviation to make others think you know more than you actually do.

Friday's Funnies

Eating Healthy

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Well, really just one big round crouton, covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

Making The Best Of It

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.64." The boss' jaw drops. "$101,237.64?! What in the world did you sell?" "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came in here to buy a housewarming gift for his in-laws. I told him his week-end's shot, so he might as well go fishing."

Very Unimportant Facts, Part 1

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

Dinner Reservations

On vacation in Hawaii, my mother called a cafe to make reservations for 7:00 pm.  Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"  "That's fine," Mom replied.  "Okay," the hostess confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

Referrals

When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.  One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.

Stimulating Summer Stumpers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
   Answer: Johnny, of course.
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
   Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
   Answer: Mt. Everest.
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
   Answer: None. There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
   Answer: Incorrectly.
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
   Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
   Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
   Answer: You would be in 2nd.
9. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
   Answer: Neither; the yolk of the egg is yellow.
10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
    Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

Today’s Thought

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Friday's Funnies

Fourth of July

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.  "We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free."  Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

Two Conversations

Here are two versions of the same conversation.

Female version:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh my, no! It's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Male version:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yep.

Planning Ahead

Parent #1: "My kid's a senior; in May, he'll be an engineer. What's your kid going to be when he gets out of college?"
Parent #2: "At the rate he's going? About thirty."

Accounts Payable

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."

Truth Or Consequences

After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

Ancient Japanese Philosophy

Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who drives the car just laughs at them both.

Help Wanted Ad

Found in an actual church bulletin - Positions Open: Openings for soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.

Physical Qualifications: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.

Experience: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.

Beginning Wage: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.

Fringe Benefits: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.

Hours: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.

Retirement: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing.

We are an equal opportunity employer!

What's In A Name?

While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his. "What rank are you?" I asked. "I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major." "Relieved? Why?" "Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."

Lawyer or Doctor

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. "Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?" he asked. "What’s wrong with lawyers?"  "Well, Dad," explained the boy, "I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

Today’s Thought

She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

Friday's Funnies

Shy

When it comes to telling her age, she's shy...about 10 years shy.

Exercise Plan For Over-50s

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Steady As She Goes

Helen and I were walking to our car holding hands a week ago and in the car parked next to ours was a couple observing us. As I went to get into our car the gentleman said he and his wife were just talking about how sweet we were at our age, still holding hands! I replied, we're trying to keep one another from falling!

Simple Solution

Someone asked an old man, "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife 'darling, honey, love.' What's the secret?" He replied, "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."

Food Fight

After eating out at a local restaurant, the waitress clearing our tables noticed the left-overs and said, "You wanna box for that?" I said, "No, but we could arm wrestle for it."

Sound Sleeper

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. "Hello," she whispered. "Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked. "She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper. "Did she go to the doctor?" I asked. "Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly. "Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?" Again in a very soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

Marriage Funnies

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: "Which book has helped you most in your life?"  The woman replied, "My husband's check book!!"

A prospective husband in a book store: "Do you have a book called 'Husband: the Master of the House?'"  Sales girl: "Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"

Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough!"

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

When a married man says, "I will think about it," what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"  The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake."

Simple Operation

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.  "What's the matter?" he was asked.  He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"  "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"  "She wasn't talking to me.  She was talking to the doctor!"

Weed Whacker Accident

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.  She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.  He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart."  She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.  "Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."

Placing Blame

At a large corporation, the CEO who was leaving presented the new CEO with three numbered envelopes.  "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.  At first things went along smoothly.  Six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was catching a lot of heat.  Then he remembered the envelopes.  He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.  The message was: "Blame your predecessor."  The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.  The press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up, and the problem was soon behind him.  About a year later the company experienced another dip in sales plus some product problems.  Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The message: "Reorganize."  This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.  After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.  The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.  The message said: "Prepare three envelopes."

Today’s Thought

TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Friday's Funnies

100%

Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!"  "That's great, Son!" said his daddy.  "Come into the living room and tell me about it," Daddy continued.  Little Johnny said, "Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science."

Wife For A Season Ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."  "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.  Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"  "Absolutely not," he said. 

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."  "Season's almost half over," he said.

Heard on a London Bus:

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.  If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

Everything is Wonderful

My face in the mirror

  Isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty,

  The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely

  And so does my lawn.

I think I might never

  Put my glasses back on.

Miniature Golf

It was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids.  "Who's winning?" I asked cheerfully.  "I am," said one. "No, I am," said another.  "No," the father said. "Their mother is!"

An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates

“Man,” he says to Saint Peter, “I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it’s time for some much-needed R and R.”  Saint Peter looks at him and says “Didn't you hear? You have a new agenda!”  “Agenda?” says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet. “Where is it?!”  Saint Peter smiles and says “Oh, it’s on the cloud now!”

Best Month To Study

Teacher: "Which is the best month to study?"

Student: "Octembruary."

Teacher: "Don't be silly. There's no month like that."

Student: "Exactly...."

Blonde's Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.  She asked, "What are their names?"  The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"  "Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."

Thigh Problem

A man goes into the doctor.  He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"  The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."  "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.  "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."  The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"  "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.  "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.  The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."  "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Short Takes

·         I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, I can't find them.

·         Seeing a spider is not a problem. The problem comes when it disappears.

·         What do you call a chicken that's afraid?

·         Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?

Career Reconsideration Recommended

A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown, an 800-number ending in TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information. The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a long pause. Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."

Like A Moth...

A man goes into a dentist's office.
Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So, why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on."

Today’s Thought

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already...