Friday's Funnies

Test Results

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.  The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?"  When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

Football Coach

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.  "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

If The Person Who Named Walkie Talkies Named Everything:

Stamp = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillator = Hearty Starty

Bumblebee - Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy Test - Maybe Baby

Fork = Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

Yes, sir!

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!"  Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"  "Yes, sir!" came the reply.  "Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered.  "Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma?  He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Fisherman's Ode

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.  The one old man reeled in his line, laid down his pole, faced the street, and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.  The other fisherman was amazed and stated, "I didn't know you were that religious."  The other looked at him and said, "Least I could do -- we've been married 42 years!"

The Rules of Bureaucracy

1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

If Dogs Wrote Letters To God...

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: How come there's so much spaghetti and so few meatballs?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologize?

Prescription For Weight Loss

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising.  "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

Top 10 Signs You're Over the Hill

1. When you sleep, people worry you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half his age and isn't breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
9. Sunburns are out, hot flashes are in.

10. You forget that you already had your 50th birthday.

The Greeting

One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream. As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember. But that night, as my wife and I were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

It's What She Heard

A ten-year-old was watching TV with her Grandma. The newscaster interrupted the program to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 11pm," he said. The child exclaimed, "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"

Today’s Thought

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're likely built upside down.