Friday's Funnies

Fourth of July

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.  "We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free."  Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

Two Conversations

Here are two versions of the same conversation.

Female version:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh my, no! It's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Male version:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yep.

Planning Ahead

Parent #1: "My kid's a senior; in May, he'll be an engineer. What's your kid going to be when he gets out of college?"
Parent #2: "At the rate he's going? About thirty."

Accounts Payable

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."

Truth Or Consequences

After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

Ancient Japanese Philosophy

Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who drives the car just laughs at them both.

Help Wanted Ad

Found in an actual church bulletin - Positions Open: Openings for soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.

Physical Qualifications: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.

Experience: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.

Beginning Wage: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.

Fringe Benefits: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.

Hours: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.

Retirement: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing.

We are an equal opportunity employer!

What's In A Name?

While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his. "What rank are you?" I asked. "I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major." "Relieved? Why?" "Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."

Lawyer or Doctor

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. "Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?" he asked. "What’s wrong with lawyers?"  "Well, Dad," explained the boy, "I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

Today’s Thought

She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.