Friday's Funnies

100%

Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!"  "That's great, Son!" said his daddy.  "Come into the living room and tell me about it," Daddy continued.  Little Johnny said, "Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science."

Wife For A Season Ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."  "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.  Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"  "Absolutely not," he said. 

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."  "Season's almost half over," he said.

Heard on a London Bus:

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.  If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

Everything is Wonderful

My face in the mirror

  Isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty,

  The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely

  And so does my lawn.

I think I might never

  Put my glasses back on.

Miniature Golf

It was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids.  "Who's winning?" I asked cheerfully.  "I am," said one. "No, I am," said another.  "No," the father said. "Their mother is!"

An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates

“Man,” he says to Saint Peter, “I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it’s time for some much-needed R and R.”  Saint Peter looks at him and says “Didn't you hear? You have a new agenda!”  “Agenda?” says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet. “Where is it?!”  Saint Peter smiles and says “Oh, it’s on the cloud now!”

Best Month To Study

Teacher: "Which is the best month to study?"

Student: "Octembruary."

Teacher: "Don't be silly. There's no month like that."

Student: "Exactly...."

Blonde's Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.  She asked, "What are their names?"  The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"  "Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."

Thigh Problem

A man goes into the doctor.  He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"  The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."  "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.  "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."  The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"  "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.  "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.  The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."  "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Short Takes

·         I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, I can't find them.

·         Seeing a spider is not a problem. The problem comes when it disappears.

·         What do you call a chicken that's afraid?

·         Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?

Career Reconsideration Recommended

A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown, an 800-number ending in TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information. The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a long pause. Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."

Like A Moth...

A man goes into a dentist's office.
Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So, why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on."

Today’s Thought

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already...