Friday's Funnies

London Building

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.  The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"  Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.  "Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"  As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent.  "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.  The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

Computer

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise.

It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

Money Talks

A one-dollar bill met a 20-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."  The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"  The one-dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

The Cost of Snoring

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.  So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."  "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."  "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"  "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Naming Twins

A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Random Acts Of Thinking

So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it brilliantly.

A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won't fix.

Is there a Bureau of Missing Personalities?

I know I'm beautiful on the inside ... I have the colonoscopy video to prove it.

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

In a recent poll, 60 percent of people believe their workplace is louder now than it was five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.

I was visiting a monastery recently and I saw a sign that read, "In case of fire, break vow of silence."

How to Tell if You're a High-Tech Redneck

** You take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your e-mail.

** Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."

** Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

** Your presence on the World Wide Web is a "Down Home Page."

** You tripled the value of your truck by installing a portable DVD.

** You trim the kudzu back from your trailer so it won't mess up your DSL.

** You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

** Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite tractor.

** You start all your e-mails with "Howdy!"

** You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools.

** You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink can on.

** The bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop."

** You know that a "network" has nothing to do with fishin'.

** Your baseball cap has an Intel logo instead of "CAT."

** You keep inventory of your truck parts, fishin' lures, and country music tapes in Excel.

** You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West signs or wood plank fencing installed on your computer.

** You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3 player in your truck.

** You find yourself humming, "Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire!"

Today’s Though

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented, but... I forgot where I was going with this.

Friday's Funnies

Politics

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."

He said, "No."

I told him, "She is Bill Gate's daughter."

He said, "Yes."

I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said, "No".

I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "Okay".

I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, "No".

I told him, "My son is Bill Gate's son-in-law."

He said, "Okay."

And this is how politics works!

How Efficient

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

Aye!

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and then blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?" The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

He's On The Couch Now

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

Italian Pasta Diet – It Really Works!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

Strange disorder

A man goes to his doctor.  "If I see someone riding a bike when I'm walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under the wheels. Have you ever heard of such a thing?"  The doctor thinks for a moment, then says; "Yes, I have heard of one other case. You are what we call a cycle path."

The Memo

To my children:  Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff. I taught you how to use a spoon.

Healthful Place

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"  "It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."  "That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"  "I was born here."

Top Ten Pickup Lines Used By Adam

10. "You know you're the only one for me!"

9. "Do you come here often?"

8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!"

7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!"

6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!"

5. "Honey, you were made for me!"

4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?"

3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21)

2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!"

1. "You're the apple of my eye!"

Dead Mother

A man and his blonde wife are relaxing at home when the phone rings. She answers and within a minute is sobbing. After she hangs up, her hubby gently holds her and asks what's wrong.  She replies that her mother has died. He finally gets her calmed down and the phone rings again. She answers and starts crying again. She turns to her hubby and manages to choke out, 'Honey, it's my sister and you won't believe this, but her mother died, too!'

Russian

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available, and the couple took him without hesitation.  On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.   After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"   The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."

Today’s Thought

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause alarm or worry, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Friday's Funnies

A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.  'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'  'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'  Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

My One And Only

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.  The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'  Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'   The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'  Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?  Hogs and Kisses!

Why should you never breakup with a goalie?  Because he’s a keeper.

What's the best part about Valentine’s Day?  The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?  Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?  A hug and a quiche!

What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day?  Happy Independence Day!

If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

I Love You

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"  Some women answered ... "today," a few ... "yesterday," and some ... "can't remember." The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.   Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

~ Who IS this?

~ Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

~ Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

~ I don't understand what you mean?

~ What now? Did you wreck the car again? 

~ Am I dreaming?

~ Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

~ What did you do now?

~ If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

~ Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Boyfriend

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.  Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.  Trying to be diplomatic, Mom said, "Dear, he just doesn't seem like the all-American boy you've dated before. He's not really that nice."  "Oh come on, Mom," replied the daughter. "If he wasn't that nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Lunch

I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes. Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!

Two Requests

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.  She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.  "Bloomingdales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomingdales?" "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."

Fast Talker

At a country-club party, a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when he seriously proposed marriage after only 30 minutes.  "Look," she said, "we met only a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."  "You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past five years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

Today’s Thought

Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract?

Friday's Funnies

Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day

10. It's on nearly every calendar.

9. Helps relieve cabin fever.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter Bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: "The Shadow knows."

3. It's fun to say, "Punxsutawney."

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

Efficiency

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You do not want to try these techniques at home!" "Why not?" asked a man from the audience.  "After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife's routine at breakfast," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets; often she carried just a single item at a time. So I asked her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once? It'd be much more efficient.'" "Well, did your suggestions save much time?" the attendee asked. "Actually, yes," the efficiency expert responded. "It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Health And Why It Can Be Good For You.

Q: I've been dieting for nearly a year and I've only lost three pounds. I'm getting discouraged. What should I do?

A: What you should do is gain some perspective. What difference does a few pounds make in the grand scheme of things? Consider our planet. Earth weighs trillions and trillions of tons, and the Sun, the most potent force in our solar system, is millions of times heavier. Are you more important than they are? Of course not! So why do you even own a device which measures weights in something as infinitesimal as a pound? Does your watch measure time in zillionths of a second? Does your kitchen have measuring cups for adding a tenth of a grain of flour? In my opinion, anything less than a billion tons is "one." So yeah, if you weigh more than "one," you should probably go on a diet.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: My wife says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?

A: The strato-lounger.

Use Me

The next time you feel like God can't use you, just remember...

~ Noah was a drunk

~ Abraham was too old

~ Isaac was a daydreamer

~ Jacob was a liar

~ Leah was ugly

~ Joseph was abused

~ Moses had a stuttering problem

~ Gideon was afraid

~ Samson had long hair and was a womanizer

~ Rahab was a prostitute

~ Jeremiah and Timothy were too young

~ David was an adulterer and a murderer

~ Elijah was suicidal

~ Jonah ran from God

~ Naomi was a widow

~ Job went bankrupt

~ John the Baptist ate bugs

~ Peter denied Christ

~ The disciples fell asleep while praying

~ Martha worried about everything

~ The Samaritan woman was divorced (more than once)

~ Zaccheus was too small

~ Paul was too religious

~ Timothy had an ulcer

~ Lazarus was dead!

Today’s Thought

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Friday's Funnies

A Message To Donald Trump From The Country Of The Netherlands

I’ve have never put a link into Friday’s Funnies.  And, I try to avoid political jokes as the receiving audience has wide views when it comes to politics.  However, this link is funny no matter what side of the wall fence you are on!  Enjoy:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-xxis7hDOE&t=41s

Refrigerator Goals

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.  I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."  A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."  Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."  Finally, my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

The Optimist and the Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.  If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.  Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.   Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.   The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.  That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.  "Why are you crying?" the father asked.  "Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimistic twin.  Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.  "What are you so happy about?" he asked.  To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Reality TV

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.  As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"

Healthy Eating

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.  When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.  As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."  Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.  The old man asked, "What are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."  Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."  With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Real Pearls?

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.  "My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"  "They are," replied the second woman.  "Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled the first woman.  The second responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth." 

Twin Beds

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.  Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."  "Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.  Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."  Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."

Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.

            

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM ... The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Today’s Thought

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

Friday's Funnies

Staff Meeting

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you wants to argue with me."

How Old Are You?

Little Johnny asked his Grandma how old she was.  Grandma answered, "39 and holding."  Johnny thought about that and then asked: "And how old would you be if you let go?

Geraniums

A guy bursts into a flower shop.  Guy (urgently): "I need two potted geraniums!"  Clerk: "Sorry, we don't have any potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"  Guy (sadly): "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

A Long Way Home

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead."  Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

Actual Bloopers From Files At A Doctor's Office: 

~ When he stands he needs assistance to stay on his face.

~ She had been drinking but still couldn't drive.

~ He is a retired trunk driver.

~ Patient denies swallowing or chewing.

~ Parent died in old cage of unknown cause.

~ Patient has a headache. Says she had no head before.

~ The patient does not smoke alcohol.

~ She states she has GOK "God Only Knows."

~ Patient has no idea where her limbs are.

~ Patient is a retired forearm.

Fancy Bar

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Pollack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar...  The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

Unanswered Questions

I am getting older and I have so many unanswered questions...  I still haven't found out who let the dogs out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street...why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same...how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop...why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors...I still don't understand why there is Braille on drive-up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons...Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections...And, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" - where's that extra penny going... Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune...Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs...And just what is Victoria's secret?...and what would you do for a Klondike bar - you know as soon as you bite into it, it falls apart...and why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Silent Monastery

The priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."  Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."  Sister Mary said, "Hard bed."   "I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said, "We will get you a better bed."  After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary."  "Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.  On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today."  "I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Chatting

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.  "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.  "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"  The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." 

Today’s Thoughts

-          Managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

-          I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

-          I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

-          I got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

-          I used to work in the woods as a lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

-          I studied a long time to become a doctor, but didn't have any patience.

-          I tried to be a musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

-          I tried being a tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

-          I tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme. 

Friday's Funnies

15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without In 2017...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon                    

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles                         

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels                                

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall       

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                                            

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                                             

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                                           

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

Wearing Out

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week." "Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day." "That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour!"

Bar Regular

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.  The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."  The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.  One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."  The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.  "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."  "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Questionnaire

An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"  He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.

School

Jimmy's mother called out to him at seven in the morning, "Jimmy, get up! It's time for school." 

There was no answer. She called again, this time more loudly, "Jimmy get up! It's time for school." 

Once more there was no answer. Exasperated, she went to his room and shook him saying, "Jimmy, it's time to get ready for school."

He answered, "Mother, I'm not going to school. There are fifteen hundred kids at that school and every one of them hates me.  I'm not going to school."

"Get to school!" she replied sharply.

"But, Mother, all the teachers hate me, too.  I saw three of them talking the other day and one of them was pointing his finger at me. I know they all hate me, so I'm not going to school," Jimmy answered.

"Get to school NOW!" his mother demanded again.

"But, Mother, I don't understand. Why would you want to put me through all of that torture and suffering?" he protested.

"Jimmy, for two good reasons," she fired back.  "First, you're forty-two years old. Second, you're the principal."

Today’s Thought

My goal for 2017 is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013.