Friday's Funnies

Staff Meeting

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you wants to argue with me."

How Old Are You?

Little Johnny asked his Grandma how old she was.  Grandma answered, "39 and holding."  Johnny thought about that and then asked: "And how old would you be if you let go?

Geraniums

A guy bursts into a flower shop.  Guy (urgently): "I need two potted geraniums!"  Clerk: "Sorry, we don't have any potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"  Guy (sadly): "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

A Long Way Home

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead."  Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

Actual Bloopers From Files At A Doctor's Office: 

~ When he stands he needs assistance to stay on his face.

~ She had been drinking but still couldn't drive.

~ He is a retired trunk driver.

~ Patient denies swallowing or chewing.

~ Parent died in old cage of unknown cause.

~ Patient has a headache. Says she had no head before.

~ The patient does not smoke alcohol.

~ She states she has GOK "God Only Knows."

~ Patient has no idea where her limbs are.

~ Patient is a retired forearm.

Fancy Bar

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Pollack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar...  The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

Unanswered Questions

I am getting older and I have so many unanswered questions...  I still haven't found out who let the dogs out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street...why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same...how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop...why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors...I still don't understand why there is Braille on drive-up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons...Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections...And, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" - where's that extra penny going... Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune...Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs...And just what is Victoria's secret?...and what would you do for a Klondike bar - you know as soon as you bite into it, it falls apart...and why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Silent Monastery

The priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."  Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."  Sister Mary said, "Hard bed."   "I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said, "We will get you a better bed."  After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary."  "Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.  On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today."  "I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Chatting

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.  "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.  "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"  The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." 

Today’s Thoughts

-          Managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

-          I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

-          I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

-          I got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

-          I used to work in the woods as a lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

-          I studied a long time to become a doctor, but didn't have any patience.

-          I tried to be a musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

-          I tried being a tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

-          I tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.