Friday's Funnies

Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day

10. It's on nearly every calendar.

9. Helps relieve cabin fever.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter Bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: "The Shadow knows."

3. It's fun to say, "Punxsutawney."

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

Efficiency

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You do not want to try these techniques at home!" "Why not?" asked a man from the audience.  "After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife's routine at breakfast," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets; often she carried just a single item at a time. So I asked her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once? It'd be much more efficient.'" "Well, did your suggestions save much time?" the attendee asked. "Actually, yes," the efficiency expert responded. "It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Health And Why It Can Be Good For You.

Q: I've been dieting for nearly a year and I've only lost three pounds. I'm getting discouraged. What should I do?

A: What you should do is gain some perspective. What difference does a few pounds make in the grand scheme of things? Consider our planet. Earth weighs trillions and trillions of tons, and the Sun, the most potent force in our solar system, is millions of times heavier. Are you more important than they are? Of course not! So why do you even own a device which measures weights in something as infinitesimal as a pound? Does your watch measure time in zillionths of a second? Does your kitchen have measuring cups for adding a tenth of a grain of flour? In my opinion, anything less than a billion tons is "one." So yeah, if you weigh more than "one," you should probably go on a diet.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: My wife says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?

A: The strato-lounger.

Use Me

The next time you feel like God can't use you, just remember...

~ Noah was a drunk

~ Abraham was too old

~ Isaac was a daydreamer

~ Jacob was a liar

~ Leah was ugly

~ Joseph was abused

~ Moses had a stuttering problem

~ Gideon was afraid

~ Samson had long hair and was a womanizer

~ Rahab was a prostitute

~ Jeremiah and Timothy were too young

~ David was an adulterer and a murderer

~ Elijah was suicidal

~ Jonah ran from God

~ Naomi was a widow

~ Job went bankrupt

~ John the Baptist ate bugs

~ Peter denied Christ

~ The disciples fell asleep while praying

~ Martha worried about everything

~ The Samaritan woman was divorced (more than once)

~ Zaccheus was too small

~ Paul was too religious

~ Timothy had an ulcer

~ Lazarus was dead!

Today’s Thought

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?