A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his
wife anything for Valentine's Day. 'Yes,'
came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a
belt and a bag.' 'That was very kind of
you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.' Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and
hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
My One And Only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive
bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart
jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved
on it?' Roger thought for a moment,
grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only
love".' The jeweller smiled and
said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very
practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and Kisses!
Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he’s a keeper.
What's the best part about Valentine’s Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on
sale.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's
Day? A hug and a quiche!
What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s
Day? Happy Independence Day!
If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a
flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did
you do?"
I Love You
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a
loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many
of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they
were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved
him?" Some women answered ...
"today," a few ... "yesterday," and some ... "can't
remember." The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text
their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with
one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their
message. Below are 12 hilarious
replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these
replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and
honest way?
~ Who IS this?
~ Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
~ Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
~ I don't understand what you mean?
~ What now? Did you wreck the car again?
~ Am I dreaming?
~ Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you
need?
~ What did you do now?
~ If you don't tell me who this message is actually for,
someone will die.
~ Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Boyfriend
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home
to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
concern. Trying to be diplomatic, Mom
said, "Dear, he just doesn't seem like the all-American boy you've dated
before. He's not really that nice." "Oh come on, Mom," replied the
daughter. "If he wasn't that nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of
community service?"
Lunch
I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and
tomatoes. Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE! It
was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!
Two Requests
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.
She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these
arrangements she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service
she wanted, etc. She told her pastor she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she
wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the pastor said. "Why
Bloomingdales?" "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a
week."
Fast Talker
At a country-club party, a young man was introduced to an
attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her
outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by
his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when he seriously proposed marriage
after only 30 minutes. "Look,"
she said, "we met only a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know
nothing about each other." "You're
wrong," the young man declared. "For the past five years I've been
working in the bank where your father has his account."
Today’s Thought
Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to
not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract?
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