Friday's Funnies

Cause and Effect

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?" He replied, "Autumn."

More Cause and Effect

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

What Doctors Say (and what they're really thinking)

• "That's quite a nasty looking wound." (I think I'm going to throw up.)
• "This may sting a little." (Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)
• "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" (I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)
• "This should fix you up." (The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)
• "Everything seems to be normal." (Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)
• "I'd like to run some more tests." (I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)
• "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" (You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...)
• "There is a lot of that going around." (That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.)
• "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." (I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.)

Fishing

Two airheads go on a fishing vacation. They buy fancy equipment, rent a great cabin, bring enough food to feed a battalion, and start fishing.  They fish all week.  They catch exactly ONE fish.  Depressed, they go home with their paltry catch.  Airhead one: "Do you realize this one lousy fish cost us 1500 dollars?"  Airhead two: "Wow. Good thing we didn't catch more."

Age by Car Radio

Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap -- except the oldies station for your parents.

Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach your 30s, you'll probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.

Established Professional: Will use the "scan" button until you hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldies station.

Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for "adult" pop, rock, and soul; will actually listen to the oldies for a few tunes.

Truly Middle Age: It's not that you're old enough to listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.

Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.

Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that "oldies" station started playing all of this "new music."

How men and women record things in their diaries...

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing..." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A two-foot putt ... WHO misses a stupid two-foot putt!

Today’s Thought

Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose. 

Friday's Funnies

Punny Riddles

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.

Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end and corn meal at the other?

Because in hard economic times, it's difficult to make both ends meat.

Where do lawyers live?

In legal pads.

How do you make a skeleton laugh?

By tickling his funny bone.

When should baseball players wear armor?

When they play knight games.

What do clowns get paid?

Funny money.

Why did the robber take a bath?

To make a clean get away!

Wrong Advertising

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.  "I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."  "Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"  "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.  However, you sent us some golf pencils ... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Y'Gotta Love the South !

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.  "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.  Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly, he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.  Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."  The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."   "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."  When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"  Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"  The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.  The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."  The passerby asked, "But, what's with the flowers?"  The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it, neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"  The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

 The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South, but y'all never hear of anyone retirin' an' movin' North!

Oops

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small town Ohio girl.  While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community.  The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.  With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse, "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

Sounds

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?"  Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"  "Alice, what sound does a cat make?"  Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"  "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"  Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"  "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"  Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"

I can hear just fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"  "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Friday's Funnies

It's a Toss-Up

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" he asked. "Well, I had to toss it 140 times."

That Explains It

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

Another airhead joke

An airhead was driving to California and saw a sign that said: Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

Redneck Divorce

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

Proper Wages

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.  "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."  "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."  "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.  "Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."  "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"  "Speaking," said the farmer.

Wrong Attachment

Kathy, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Kathy was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

Engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired, engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.  The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."  The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 - knowing where to put it $49,999.  It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Signs

Did I read that sign correctly? 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Today’s Thought

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Friday's Funnies

Rank Has Privilege

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."

CPU CPR

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down, it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, but it also made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

Going Places

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter -- yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him." The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

Keyed Up

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?" "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well, what does it do?" they queried. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either," she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Strange Foreign Mistranslations into English

In a Belgrade elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:  Specialist in women and other diseases.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:  When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.

Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

Details

Aboard an airline flight from Europe to America, Grandma Bern was taking her very first flight.  They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.  The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.  When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said. "Now that we've arrived, would you tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

How to Simulate the Life of a Sailor

~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

~ Repaint your entire house every month.

~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. 

~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

A Quiet Group

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

Today’s Thought

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.

Friday's Funnies

HOW TO LIE TO THE BATHROOM SCALES

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps)

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

The Computer Is Down

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down, it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, but it also made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.  "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

You’ll never hear the end of it

One day a new chicken was introduced to the farm.   The duck, who was the main bird in charge, shows the new chicken around.  "This is where you go to get fed, this is the water trough and that is the coop. Chickens hang out near the fence, us ducks near the pond and the geese near the gate. We're pretty friendly but we keep to our own."  "Oh but whatever you do, DO NOT cross that road. You'll never hear the end of it."

Longevity

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

An Acquired Taste?

A man was working in his backyard when a little neighbor boy stopped by. "Whatcha doin'?" said the little boy. The man replied, "I'm putting fertilizer on my strawberries." "Oh," the little boy said, "My mom puts whipped cream on ours."

I Can See Clearly Now

An old snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes. Can't see well these days." The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks. The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem — didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I've been married to a water hose the past two years!"

Long Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.  "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look, "she said.  What's your secret for a long happy life?"  "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."   "That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?'  "Twenty-six," he said.

The Test

When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”

Who’s the best?

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best:

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

Today’s Thought

Cleaning house with kids around is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

Friday's Funnies

Doctor's Order

Doctor:  "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient:  "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor:  "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient:  "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Out With the New

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

The Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late at night, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "Oh, that's the talking clock," the student replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch," said the student, and then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Immediately someone screamed from the other side of the wall:  "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT!   IT'S 2:30 IN THE MORNING!"

Join a club?

The German philosophy club?

I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?

Pardon me?

The Arafat club?

Yessir.

The Ebert movie club?

Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?

You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?

Never. Never.

The quarterback club?

I'll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?

Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?

Si.

The anti-perspirant club?

Sure.

The procrastinators club?

Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?

No - they probably would not accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?

Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?

Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?

God willing!

Something really cool!

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool...but how does it work like that?

Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

Today’s Thought

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Friday's Funnies

If I Die First

A husband asked his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house, would you?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.

There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed!"

Long Sermon

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.  Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."  The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you …"

Oxymorons: Two words or phrases that have opposite meanings.

- Act naturally

- Found missing

- Resident alien

- Advanced BASIC

- Genuine imitation

- Airline Food

- Good grief

- Same difference

- Almost exactly

- Terribly pleased

- Sanitary landfill

- Alone together

- Legally drunk

- Silent scream

- Living dead

- Government organization

John Cleese has it about right:

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "...Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Strawberries

A man was working in his backyard when a little neighbor boy stopped by. "Whatcha doin'?" said the little boy.

The man replied, "I'm putting fertilizer on my strawberries."

"Oh," the little boy said, "My mom puts whipped cream on ours."

Today’s Thought

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.