It's
a Toss-Up
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" he asked. "Well, I had to toss it 140 times."
That Explains It
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" he asked. "Well, I had to toss it 140 times."
That Explains It
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"
Another
airhead joke
An
airhead was driving to California and saw a sign that said: Clean Restrooms
Ahead. By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished
68 of them.
Redneck Divorce
Q:
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A:
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!
Proper
Wages
A
man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed
he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your
employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer.
"I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week,
plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a
week plus room and board." "Anybody
else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "This
guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars
a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that
man!" "Speaking," said
the farmer.
Wrong
Attachment
Kathy, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Kathy was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
Kathy, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Kathy was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
Engineer
There was an engineer who had an
exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company
contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with
one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and
everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they
called on the retired, engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the
past. The engineer reluctantly took the
challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on particular component of the machine
and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked
perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for
his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer
responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 - knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired
again in peace.
Signs
Did I read that sign correctly?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW
TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE
DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Today’s
Thought
To the optimist, the glass is
half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the
glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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