Friday's Funnies

If I Die First

A husband asked his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house, would you?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.

There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed!"

Long Sermon

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.  Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."  The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you …"

Oxymorons: Two words or phrases that have opposite meanings.

- Act naturally

- Found missing

- Resident alien

- Advanced BASIC

- Genuine imitation

- Airline Food

- Good grief

- Same difference

- Almost exactly

- Terribly pleased

- Sanitary landfill

- Alone together

- Legally drunk

- Silent scream

- Living dead

- Government organization

John Cleese has it about right:

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "...Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Strawberries

A man was working in his backyard when a little neighbor boy stopped by. "Whatcha doin'?" said the little boy.

The man replied, "I'm putting fertilizer on my strawberries."

"Oh," the little boy said, "My mom puts whipped cream on ours."

Today’s Thought

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.