Friday's Funnies

Punny Riddles

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.

Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end and corn meal at the other?

Because in hard economic times, it's difficult to make both ends meat.

Where do lawyers live?

In legal pads.

How do you make a skeleton laugh?

By tickling his funny bone.

When should baseball players wear armor?

When they play knight games.

What do clowns get paid?

Funny money.

Why did the robber take a bath?

To make a clean get away!

Wrong Advertising

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.  "I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."  "Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"  "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.  However, you sent us some golf pencils ... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Y'Gotta Love the South !

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.  "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.  Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly, he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.  Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."  The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."   "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."  When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"  Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"  The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.  The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."  The passerby asked, "But, what's with the flowers?"  The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it, neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"  The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

 The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South, but y'all never hear of anyone retirin' an' movin' North!

Oops

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small town Ohio girl.  While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community.  The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.  With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse, "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

Sounds

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?"  Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"  "Alice, what sound does a cat make?"  Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"  "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"  Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"  "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"  Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"

I can hear just fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"  "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."