Friday's Funnies

Foreign Language

A mother mouse is walking along the road with her baby when suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them.  Instantly, the mother mouse shouts loudly, "BARK" at which point the cat ran off.  "There, you see" said the mother mouse to her baby, "That is why learning a foreign language is so important!"

Trust?

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a checkout system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.  Cautiously, he asked the school's long-time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stockroom unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"  The custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.

Witness

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed little girl what she thought about what she had just witnessed…  Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...spank him again!"

At The Vet

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.  After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

Times have changed

You drive into the gas station...

1955 - four guys run out to your car - you sit back and smile

Today - four guys run out to your car - you scream and pull away as quickly as you can

De-moted

If lawyers are disbarred and clergy defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Still Waiting

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up.  Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.  No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date.  He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?"

Puns and Such

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  (Aesop, 620 BC - 560 BC)

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.  (Pun of the Day)

Why do crazy people always jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly? Wouldn't it be safer to try to fly UP to the top?  (Aaron Luchich in Ruminations)

Q: What's the difference between a church bell and a politician?

A: A church bell peals from the steeple.

(Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day)

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."  (from a fortune cookie)

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

(BWJokes.com)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It's amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: "Are you medical or surgical?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I'm good at everything.  (Demetri Martin)

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."

Today’s Thought

Dear vegetarians, if you’re trying to save the animals, why are you eating their food?

Friday's Funnies

Me? Exercise?

If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...yet lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?

Soup Du Jour

When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "It's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

Crossing the Street

A duck was standing on the curb looking across the street when a chicken yelled to him, "Don't do it buddy, you will never hear the end of it!"

CHURCH SERVICE of THE FUTURE

PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"

CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"

PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

P-a-u-s-e......

"Now, let us pray committing this week into God's hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

"As we take our tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."

"Please log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' "

"Please use your iPad to make your electronic fund transfers directly to the church account.  Or if you prefer, the ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the pews. If you forgot to bring an electronic device, you are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account."

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements: "This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out. Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers. God bless you and have a nice day. 

Outdoors man?

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.  The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.  "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I ran away from a mad mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I went home and went right to bed."   Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be quite an outdoors man!"  "No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."

Truck Stop

The trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order with the new waitress.   He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."  The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"  

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."  "Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"  She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

A-POLITICAL APHORISMS

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even where there is no river. ~ Nikita 

Khrushchev

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more  tunnel. ~ John Quinton

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson

Friday's Funnies

Why I Like Retirement?

How many days in a week?

6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.

When is a retiree's bedtime?

3 hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?

It comes with a 10% discount!

Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Tied shoes.

How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take all day.

What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

NUTS!

What do retirees call a long lunch?

Normal.

What is the best way to describe retirement?

The never-ending coffee break.

Why do retirees count pennies?

They're the only ones who have the time!

Proud Dad

Dad #1: "My son is so smart that when he writes home from college, I have to go to the dictionary."

Dad #2: "You're lucky. When my son writes home, I have to go to the bank."

Peach Brandy

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning.  It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy.  He told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.  Sunday morning, the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said, "I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."

iPad

This afternoon my son was playing on his iPad. He asked his brother to help him with one of the apps.  Handing the iPad to his brother, he asked, "Why did you take the case off your iPad?"  Innocently, he responded, "Because the app said it was 'case sensitive'!"

Knight Riddle

Q: What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?

A: Sir Render.

Soup

When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed.  "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"  "It's bean soup," she replied.  "I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

New Technology

I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me was: "Whereisthespacebar?"

Today’s Thought

Laughter is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

Friday's Funnies

A man’s world?

When men are born, their mothers get compliments and flowers.

When they marry, their brides get presents and publicity.

When they die, their widows get the life insurance.

So, tell me: why is it "a man's world"?

THE OLD PASTOR

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask and get the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered with all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

THE FIRE SALE

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. "People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

GENERATION GAP

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

GRANDMA KNOWS

Recently, as usual on a Wednesday night, my grandson Andrew, age 5 was attending "Team Kids". The lesson was about charity (love) from I Corinthians 13. The teacher asked, "Who knows what charity means?" Andrew excitedly raised his hand waiving it in the air. His Mother was sitting in the class and began swelling with joy that her son would be so astute at such a young age. "Okay, Andrew", said the teacher, "Tell us what charity is." Andrew proudly replied, "It's when you sit in a chair...!" It made perfect sense to me, but then I'm his grandmother.

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS

Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................ A punctuation mark.
D&C......................... Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema....................... Not a friend.
Fester....................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula....................... A small lie.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted.
Pelvis....................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room........Place to do upholstery.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.....................More than one.
Urine......................Opposite of you're out

Varicose.................Near by

First child

A man shouted frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asked the dispatcher.

"NO!" he exclaimed, "this is her husband."

Oops

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Today’s Thought

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.

Friday's Funnies

The Biggest Lies in the World

- I promise to pay you back on my next paycheck.

- You made it yourself? I never would have guessed.

- Your hair looks just fine.

- Go ahead and tell me; I won't tell another soul.

- The doctor will call you right back.

- Put the map away. I know where we are.

- Having a great time. Wish you were here.

Doctor's Strike

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

Do you know who I am?

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.  "The front row please," she answered.  "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."  "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.  "No," he said.  "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.  "Do you know who I am?" he asked.  "No," she said.  "Good," he answered.

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Stop shaking it.

Dear LIAT Airlines,

May I say how considerate it is of you to enable your passengers to receive such an in-depth and thorough tour of the Caribbean.

Most other airlines I have travelled on would simply wish to take me from point A to B in rather a hurry. I was intrigued that we were allowed to stop at not a lowly one or two but a magnificent six airports yesterday. And who wants to fly on the same airplane the entire time? We got to change and refuel every step of the way!

I particularly enjoyed sampling the security scanners at each and every airport. I find it preposterous that people imagine them all to be the same. And as for being patted down by a variety of islanders, well, I feel as if I've been hugged by most of the Caribbean already. I also found it unique that this was all done on "island time," because I do like to have time to absorb the atmosphere of the various departure lounges. As for our arrival, well, who wants to have to take a ferry at the end of all that flying anyway? I'm glad the boat was long gone by the time we arrived into Tortola last night -- and that all those noisy bars and restaurants were closed.

So thank you, LIAT. I now truly understand why you are "The Caribbean Airline."

P.S. Keep the bag. I never liked it anyway.

10 SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH

10) You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to Second Opinions.

And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

Today’s Thought

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Friday's Funnies

Be careful what you say!

LITTLE BILLY: "Gee, Grandma, I'm glad to see you! Now Daddy can do his trick."

GRANDMA: "What trick is that?"

LITTLE BILLY: "Daddy said if you came to visit again, he'd start climbing the walls!"

Rest in peace

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, "Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?

Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at a local company. All three are examining the fence with the company's CFO.

The first contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the CFO and whispers: "$2,700."

The CFO, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy, $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the second contractor."

Actual Newspaper Headlines

~ Diana was alive hours before death

~ Missippi literacy program shows improvement

~ Bug flying around are flying bugs

~ Teen pregnancy drops significantly after age 25 study shows

~ Federal agents raid gun shop and find weapons

~ Marijuana issue sent to joint committee

~ Homicide victims rarely talk to police

~ Bridges help people cross rivers

~ Hospital resorts to hiring doctors

~ Caskets found in mausoleum being torn down

~ Meeting on open meetings is closed

Cemetery visitor

A visitor to the graveyard couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. The visitor went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying.   'Why did you have to die?' he was repeating, 'Why did you have to die?'  Feeling he ought to do something, the visitor laid his hand on the man's shoulder.   'Was it someone you loved very much?' he asked gently. The man looked up at him and said, 'no, I never met him, he was my wife's first husband.'

Marriage Talk

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes or no."

---

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's just because you're not married yet."

Today’s Thought

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

Friday's Funnies

4^th of July

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster?

John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?

The Boston Flea Party!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?

The Americans licked the British!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?

Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?

The Fodder of Our Country!

What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing. It just waved!

What's red, white, blue, and gross?

Uncle Spam!

What's red, white, black and blue?

Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

Which colonists told the most jokes?

Punsylvanians!

"How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?

"The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!"

What has four legs, a shiny nose, and fought for England?

Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer!

How is a healthy person like the United States?

They both have good constitutions!

Like Mom

On the way to preschool, a doctor mom had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.  Be still, my heart, thought Mom, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!  Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Pain

First-time expectant mom: "My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?"

Experienced mom: "Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current."

Truth In Realty

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Hamming It Up

When Jesus commanded the demons to come out of the man called Legion, the demons begged Jesus to cast them into the swine heard nearby. Jesus did, and the pigs ran over the cliff. That is the first mention of deviled ham in the Bible.

Photo Perfect

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Armed & Dangerous

The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm: "Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?" The man's arm immediately shot above his head. Case dismissed.

Sunday School

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, so she said, "Johnny, what's the matter?"  Little Johnny responded, "I have bad pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Today’s Thought

There's a new lip balm that makes you lose weight. It’s called Super Glue.