Friday's Funnies

The Biggest Lies in the World

- I promise to pay you back on my next paycheck.

- You made it yourself? I never would have guessed.

- Your hair looks just fine.

- Go ahead and tell me; I won't tell another soul.

- The doctor will call you right back.

- Put the map away. I know where we are.

- Having a great time. Wish you were here.

Doctor's Strike

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

Do you know who I am?

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.  "The front row please," she answered.  "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."  "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.  "No," he said.  "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.  "Do you know who I am?" he asked.  "No," she said.  "Good," he answered.

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Stop shaking it.

Dear LIAT Airlines,

May I say how considerate it is of you to enable your passengers to receive such an in-depth and thorough tour of the Caribbean.

Most other airlines I have travelled on would simply wish to take me from point A to B in rather a hurry. I was intrigued that we were allowed to stop at not a lowly one or two but a magnificent six airports yesterday. And who wants to fly on the same airplane the entire time? We got to change and refuel every step of the way!

I particularly enjoyed sampling the security scanners at each and every airport. I find it preposterous that people imagine them all to be the same. And as for being patted down by a variety of islanders, well, I feel as if I've been hugged by most of the Caribbean already. I also found it unique that this was all done on "island time," because I do like to have time to absorb the atmosphere of the various departure lounges. As for our arrival, well, who wants to have to take a ferry at the end of all that flying anyway? I'm glad the boat was long gone by the time we arrived into Tortola last night -- and that all those noisy bars and restaurants were closed.

So thank you, LIAT. I now truly understand why you are "The Caribbean Airline."

P.S. Keep the bag. I never liked it anyway.

10 SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH

10) You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to Second Opinions.

And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

Today’s Thought

The chief cause of problems is solutions.