Friday's Funnies

4^th of July

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster?

John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?

The Boston Flea Party!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?

The Americans licked the British!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?

Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?

The Fodder of Our Country!

What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing. It just waved!

What's red, white, blue, and gross?

Uncle Spam!

What's red, white, black and blue?

Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

Which colonists told the most jokes?

Punsylvanians!

"How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?

"The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!"

What has four legs, a shiny nose, and fought for England?

Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer!

How is a healthy person like the United States?

They both have good constitutions!

Like Mom

On the way to preschool, a doctor mom had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.  Be still, my heart, thought Mom, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!  Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Pain

First-time expectant mom: "My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?"

Experienced mom: "Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current."

Truth In Realty

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Hamming It Up

When Jesus commanded the demons to come out of the man called Legion, the demons begged Jesus to cast them into the swine heard nearby. Jesus did, and the pigs ran over the cliff. That is the first mention of deviled ham in the Bible.

Photo Perfect

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Armed & Dangerous

The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm: "Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?" The man's arm immediately shot above his head. Case dismissed.

Sunday School

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, so she said, "Johnny, what's the matter?"  Little Johnny responded, "I have bad pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Today’s Thought

There's a new lip balm that makes you lose weight. It’s called Super Glue.