Friday's Funnies

Be careful what you say!

LITTLE BILLY: "Gee, Grandma, I'm glad to see you! Now Daddy can do his trick."

GRANDMA: "What trick is that?"

LITTLE BILLY: "Daddy said if you came to visit again, he'd start climbing the walls!"

Rest in peace

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, "Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?

Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at a local company. All three are examining the fence with the company's CFO.

The first contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the CFO and whispers: "$2,700."

The CFO, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy, $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the second contractor."

Actual Newspaper Headlines

~ Diana was alive hours before death

~ Missippi literacy program shows improvement

~ Bug flying around are flying bugs

~ Teen pregnancy drops significantly after age 25 study shows

~ Federal agents raid gun shop and find weapons

~ Marijuana issue sent to joint committee

~ Homicide victims rarely talk to police

~ Bridges help people cross rivers

~ Hospital resorts to hiring doctors

~ Caskets found in mausoleum being torn down

~ Meeting on open meetings is closed

Cemetery visitor

A visitor to the graveyard couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. The visitor went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying.   'Why did you have to die?' he was repeating, 'Why did you have to die?'  Feeling he ought to do something, the visitor laid his hand on the man's shoulder.   'Was it someone you loved very much?' he asked gently. The man looked up at him and said, 'no, I never met him, he was my wife's first husband.'

Marriage Talk

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes or no."

---

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's just because you're not married yet."

Today’s Thought

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.