Friday's Funnies

Weight loss

"I was talking to my doctor about a weight-loss patch I had seen advertised. Supposedly you stick it on, and the pounds melt away. 'Does it work?' I asked. 'Sure,' he said. 'If you put it over your mouth.'"

The Positive Side of Life

- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

- Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

- Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

- If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

- We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors….but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

- A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner … as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off … to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack.   Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.

By The Book

Two explorers were on a jungle safari when suddenly a ferocious lion jumped in front of them. "Keep calm" the first explorer whispered. "Remember what we read in that book on wild animals? If you stand perfectly still and look the lion in the eye, he will turn and run." "Sure," replied his companion. "You've read the book, and I've read the book. But has the lion read the book?"

Motivation

A fellow was walking through a cemetery late at night and fell into an open grave. He didn't know that sometime earlier that night another man had fallen into the same grave. He felt around the walls of the grave and tried to climb out but he couldn't quite make it. Suddenly, behind him in that open grave he heard a voice, "You can't get out of here." But he did.

Mom's Orders

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

Bug flew into a barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Job experience

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”  “Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

Irreplaceable

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.  "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

3. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

4. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving."

5. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

Friday's Funnies

Perspective

Garbage collectors were picking up our trash as my wife walked back into our house. A particular barrel was very heavy. "Lady, we can't take this," one man called out. "It's way over the weight limit." My wife turned her eight-month-pregnant figure toward him. "It didn't seem that heavy when I carried it out," she said. Without another word, the man emptied the barrel into the truck.

Father of the Bride

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Top Signs That You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

• The preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians — and you have to check the Table of Contents.
• You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 1960s.
• You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WW2 Savings Bond falls out.
• Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
• Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon you demand to know, "Who gave you this stuff?"
• You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

Honest Reaction

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."

First Day of Psychiatry Class


Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.  “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.  “Sadness,” he replied.  “The opposite of depression?” he asked another student.  “Elation,” he replied.  “The opposite of woe?” the professor asked a young woman from Texas.  The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”


10 Funny Warning Labels Found on Food Packaging


Cautionary notices on packaging is a good source of humour, here are 10 of our best examples:
1. Suitable for outdoor use. Found on a rain gauge.
2. For use by trained personnel only. On a can of air freshener.
3. Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice. On a box of rat poison.
4. Warning: High in sodium. On a salt cellar.
5. Remove the plastic wrapper. The instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn.
6. Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone. On a box of pills.
7. Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
8. Use like regular soap. On a bar of soap.
9. This product is not to be used in bathrooms. On a bathroom heater.
10. Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants. On a bag of cat biscuits.


Whining

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.  Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"   Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"  Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."  Bill: "What are you whining about then? That's what you got!"

PARAPROSDOKIANS... are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. 

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations.  Trains stop in train stations.  On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.  

Details

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Friday's Funnies

What Is a Grandparent?

Answered by primary school children

- Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.

- Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

- When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

- They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on “cracks.”

- They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’

- They wear glasses and funny underwear.

- They can take their teeth and gums out.

- They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’

- When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

- Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

- They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

Baby sister

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.  “It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

I can, I can!

Little Dewey was at football practice one day and the coach said "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts" Immediately little Dewey said, "Ooh me sir, me!"  The coach then said, "But Dewey you're the worst player on the team!"  Then Dewey said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"

Grins and Snickers

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.   "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.  "We may not have 45 minutes."  They were seated immediately. 

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom.  The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.   The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly.   As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"  Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."   Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."   Fred said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.   Looking up, he asks the Lord.  "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"  The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A man goes to see the  Rabbi.   "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."   The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"   The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."   The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"   The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"   The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."   A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours..  You want my advice?   The man said, "Yes;" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

CHILDREN ARE QUICK

TEACHER: Why are you late?  STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.  MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?   CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:  You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'  GLENN:  K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong.   GLENN:  Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?  DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?  DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?  

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'   MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'   MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Friday's Funnies

Going In Style

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this faithfully to the age of 103 when he died. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Cleaning Up

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt" He yelled back, "NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!"

Kids Say The Craziest Things

BRITTANY (age 4)

had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4)

was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough...'

DJ (age 4)

stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5)

was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

 

JAMES (age 4)

was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY(age 4)

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget... This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without You, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

The Plan

The loaded mini—van pulled into a campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father grinned and said, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Department of Lowered Expectations

During a road trip, I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."

Never die

When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.

Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.

Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.

Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.

Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.

Reality Check

Just think: If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 

Friday's Funnies

Sleeping In

Pastor to Parishioner: "Will I see you in church tomorrow?"
Parishioner: "I expect to be there Reverend, but I've been sleeping in on Sunday mornings."
Pastor: "Oh, really? How late have you been sleeping in?"
Parishioner: "That all depends on the length of your sermon."

Seeing Clearly

So a woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased the week before. "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" the optometrist inquired. "Well, I bought these glasses for my husband last week and they're just not working," the woman complained. "Perhaps the lens grinder made an error in filling the prescription." "I'm sure he must have," the woman confirmed. "He's still not seeing things my way."

Salary disparity


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.  The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.  “Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”  The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”  The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…..  “Try doing it with the engine running.”

Ready to retire? Take this quiz to find out.


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree‘s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Never a truer word

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, some days the statue.

Keep your words soft and sweet — in case you have to eat them.

Always read books that will make you look good if you die before you finish.

If you lend someone a small amount of money and never see him again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Because it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty, some dull, some have weird names, all are different colours — but they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Save the earth — It’s the only planet with chocolate.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. OTHER WOMEN

Friday's Funnies

"THAT’S MY MOM"

4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion. 45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it? 65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....

WHY GOD MADE MOMS  - Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE TURNED INTO A MOM WHEN...

~ You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

~ You find yourself humming the Wiggles song as you do the dishes.

~ You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

~ You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

~ You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

~ You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called "101 Fun Crafts To Do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells."

~ You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

~ You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak.

WAITING ROOM

The doctor’s office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving at his normal snail’s pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and started walking toward the door.  “Where are you going?” the receptionist called out.  “Well,” he said, “I figured I’d go home and die a natural death, instead of just being bored to death.”

Friday's Funnies

Smart!

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"

Bible

Two old friends met one day after many years.  One attended college, and now was very successful.  The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.  So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.

Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.  Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Golf

A reporter, interviewing Jack Nicklaus: "Jack, you are spectacular! You really know your way around the course.  What is your secret?"

Jack: "The holes are numbered."

Word-Wise

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?" Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

Good Observations

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said, "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts?" Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh... me sir, me!" The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst on the team!" Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can't jump!"

Taking The Bus
(Disclaimer: Actions described in the following story from the web are neither recommended nor condoned, nor are they, on merit, amusing. But the fictitious narrative's closing twist is funny.)

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at an upscale hotel downtown and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:

~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"

~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.

~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.

~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.

~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.

Bringing Home a Drunken Irishman

An Irishman is in a pub about as drunk as it’s possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. 

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, and he keeps falling down. He falls down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times while getting him to the door.  His wife comes to the door and one of the guys says, “We brought your husband home.”

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Normal?

Normal is only a setting on your dryer.