Friday's Funnies

Weight loss

"I was talking to my doctor about a weight-loss patch I had seen advertised. Supposedly you stick it on, and the pounds melt away. 'Does it work?' I asked. 'Sure,' he said. 'If you put it over your mouth.'"

The Positive Side of Life

- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

- Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

- Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

- If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

- We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors….but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

- A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner … as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off … to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack.   Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.

By The Book

Two explorers were on a jungle safari when suddenly a ferocious lion jumped in front of them. "Keep calm" the first explorer whispered. "Remember what we read in that book on wild animals? If you stand perfectly still and look the lion in the eye, he will turn and run." "Sure," replied his companion. "You've read the book, and I've read the book. But has the lion read the book?"

Motivation

A fellow was walking through a cemetery late at night and fell into an open grave. He didn't know that sometime earlier that night another man had fallen into the same grave. He felt around the walls of the grave and tried to climb out but he couldn't quite make it. Suddenly, behind him in that open grave he heard a voice, "You can't get out of here." But he did.

Mom's Orders

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

Bug flew into a barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Job experience

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”  “Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

Irreplaceable

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.  "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

3. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

4. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving."

5. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.