Friday's Funnies

What Is a Grandparent?

Answered by primary school children

- Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.

- Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

- When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

- They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on “cracks.”

- They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’

- They wear glasses and funny underwear.

- They can take their teeth and gums out.

- They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’

- When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

- Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

- They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

Baby sister

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.  “It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

I can, I can!

Little Dewey was at football practice one day and the coach said "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts" Immediately little Dewey said, "Ooh me sir, me!"  The coach then said, "But Dewey you're the worst player on the team!"  Then Dewey said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"

Grins and Snickers

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.   "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.  "We may not have 45 minutes."  They were seated immediately. 

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom.  The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.   The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly.   As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"  Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."   Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."   Fred said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.   Looking up, he asks the Lord.  "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"  The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A man goes to see the  Rabbi.   "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."   The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"   The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."   The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"   The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"   The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."   A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours..  You want my advice?   The man said, "Yes;" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

CHILDREN ARE QUICK

TEACHER: Why are you late?  STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.  MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?   CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:  You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'  GLENN:  K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong.   GLENN:  Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?  DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?  DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?  

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'   MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'   MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher