Friday's Funnies

Smart!

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"

Bible

Two old friends met one day after many years.  One attended college, and now was very successful.  The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.  So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.

Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.  Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Golf

A reporter, interviewing Jack Nicklaus: "Jack, you are spectacular! You really know your way around the course.  What is your secret?"

Jack: "The holes are numbered."

Word-Wise

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?" Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

Good Observations

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said, "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts?" Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh... me sir, me!" The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst on the team!" Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can't jump!"

Taking The Bus
(Disclaimer: Actions described in the following story from the web are neither recommended nor condoned, nor are they, on merit, amusing. But the fictitious narrative's closing twist is funny.)

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at an upscale hotel downtown and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:

~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"

~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.

~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.

~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.

~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.

Bringing Home a Drunken Irishman

An Irishman is in a pub about as drunk as it’s possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. 

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, and he keeps falling down. He falls down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times while getting him to the door.  His wife comes to the door and one of the guys says, “We brought your husband home.”

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Normal?

Normal is only a setting on your dryer.