Children's Science Exam
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
+++++
Prayer
A mom was driving her five year old son, Chad, to McDonald's one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the Mom saw something terrible like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, "We should pray." From the back seat she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Signs You Are Broke
· You can't even pay attention.
· You stop getting offers from those credit card companies trying to get you to transfer your other credit card balances to theirs.
· You forget whose picture is on a Lincoln penny.
· You hock the spare tire from your car.
· You try to take out a bank loan and learn you'll have to use your first-born male child for collateral.
· American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
· You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
· Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
· You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
· Your bologna has no first name.
· Sally Struthers sends you food.
· McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
+++++
WELL PLANNED RETIREMENT: FROM THE LONDON TIMES
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
It was staffed by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars $1.40 and coaches $7.00. This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Well," said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone City Council and have them send a new parking attendant."
"Aahhh... no," said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"No," said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council.
Wasn't he?"
"No!" insisted the Council. "We thought he was your employee all of these years."
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or on a white sandy beach somewhere, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at about $560 per day at the Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million!
And no one even knows his name.
Golden. Simply golden.
+++++
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, she said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Fast Acting
A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled and said, "Wow! This really works!"
Flying
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Chopsticks
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
Noah
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty days. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, "Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?" One little boy gave her a funny look and said, "I don't think so. It's kinda hard to fish with just two worms!"
The Noise
My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk".
The Canaries
A lady went to a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
+++++
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
23. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
24. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
25. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
26. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
30. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled and said, "Wow! This really works!"
Flying
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Chopsticks
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
Noah
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty days. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, "Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?" One little boy gave her a funny look and said, "I don't think so. It's kinda hard to fish with just two worms!"
The Noise
My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk".
The Canaries
A lady went to a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
+++++
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
23. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
24. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
25. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
26. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
30. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Friday's Funnies
No Parking
As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?" "No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?" "What about all those other cars in there?" He shrugged. "They didn't ask."
To Make It Clear
Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
Argument
A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
Seen on a Gospel Singer's Blog
Most traveling Gospel groups would agree with this: A group with a bus can be a lot like a man with a boat -- his two happiest days are the day he buys it and the day he sells it!!
The Cut-up
Harry hosted a dinner party. One of his guests was a surgeon. While deftly carving the roast, Harry kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?" When Harry had finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
+++++
Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, July31st 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion - Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering g Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
+++++
Ten Observations About Marriage
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then, so are thunder and lightning.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
4. Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why many wives treat their husbands like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?" "No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?" "What about all those other cars in there?" He shrugged. "They didn't ask."
To Make It Clear
Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
Argument
A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
Seen on a Gospel Singer's Blog
Most traveling Gospel groups would agree with this: A group with a bus can be a lot like a man with a boat -- his two happiest days are the day he buys it and the day he sells it!!
The Cut-up
Harry hosted a dinner party. One of his guests was a surgeon. While deftly carving the roast, Harry kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?" When Harry had finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
+++++
Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, July31st 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion - Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering g Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
+++++
Ten Observations About Marriage
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then, so are thunder and lightning.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
4. Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why many wives treat their husbands like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Friday's Funnies
The Sermon
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went. The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground." The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
Confession
A man went into confession one day. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," said the man. "What have you done?" asked the priest. "I housed a refugee during the second world war." "That is not a sin," replied the priest. "You don't understand," replied the man. "I made him pay rent." To which the priest replied, "Well, that wasn't very charitable, but I wouldn't say it's a sin." "Then, Father, may I ask your opinion of something?" "Of course," said the priest. "Should I tell him the war is over?"
The Tip
My sister-in-law had worked as a waitress at an Atlanta restaurant. One day, a large family came in to eat. In accordance with the restaurant's policy of serving large parties, the tip was automatically added to the bill. After she presented the bill to the father, she heard him bellow, "Gratuity? Who ordered the gratuity? I told you kids that we weren't going to order dessert!"
Clerical Manners
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
Not Purfect
"I am not purfect by no means."
What It Means
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
How To Do It
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here' s a copy of the order of service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
Dinner Is Ready
One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
Say What You Mean
Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
+++++
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the employment premises.
Take two good friends and go to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went. The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground." The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
Confession
A man went into confession one day. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," said the man. "What have you done?" asked the priest. "I housed a refugee during the second world war." "That is not a sin," replied the priest. "You don't understand," replied the man. "I made him pay rent." To which the priest replied, "Well, that wasn't very charitable, but I wouldn't say it's a sin." "Then, Father, may I ask your opinion of something?" "Of course," said the priest. "Should I tell him the war is over?"
The Tip
My sister-in-law had worked as a waitress at an Atlanta restaurant. One day, a large family came in to eat. In accordance with the restaurant's policy of serving large parties, the tip was automatically added to the bill. After she presented the bill to the father, she heard him bellow, "Gratuity? Who ordered the gratuity? I told you kids that we weren't going to order dessert!"
Clerical Manners
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
Not Purfect
"I am not purfect by no means."
What It Means
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
How To Do It
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here' s a copy of the order of service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
Dinner Is Ready
One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
Say What You Mean
Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
+++++
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the employment premises.
Take two good friends and go to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday's Funnies
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
+++++
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
+++++
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
+++++
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
+++++
After the dedication of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
+++++
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
+++++
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
+++++
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
+++++
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
+++++
A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
+++++
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
+++++
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
+++++
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
+++++
After the dedication of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
+++++
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
+++++
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
+++++
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
+++++
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
+++++
A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Friday, May 15, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Well what did you expect in Friday’s Funnies this week?
Babies
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
Babies
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Friday's Funnies
25 Reasons I Owe My Mother
- My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
- My mother taught me religion:"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
- My mother taught me about time travel: "If you don' t straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
- My mother taught me logic: "Because I said so, that's why."
- My mother taught me more logic:"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
- My mother taught me foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
- My mother taught me irony: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
- My mother taught me about the science of osmosis: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
- My mother taught me about contortionism: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
- My mother taught me about stamina: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
- My mother taught me about weather: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
- My mother taught me about hypocrisy: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
- My mother taught me the circle of life: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
- My mother taught me about behavior modification: "Stop acting like your father!"
- My mother taught me about envy: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
- My mother taught me about anticipation: "Just wait 'till your father gets home."
- My mother taught me about receiving: "You are going to get it when you get home!"
- My mother taught me medical science: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
- My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
- My mother taught me humor: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
- My mother taught me how to become an adult: 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
- My mother taught me genetics: "You're just like your father."
- My mother taught me about my roots: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
- My mother taught me wisdom: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
- My mother taught me about justice: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
Hellmann's Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as ‘Sinko De Mayo’...
Chocolate rules
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
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