Friday's Funnies

 Computer Encouragement

 

My new data-entry assistant could often be heard offering encouragement to her computer. "You can do it, big guy!" she would say. "Good boy! Nice job, fella." After one particularly lengthy pep talk, I asked, "How do you know your computer's male?" "Because you have to tell it what to do."

Spendthrift

 

The minister asked, "Is there anyone in the congregation who wants a prayer said for their shortcomings?" "Yes," said a man in the front pew. "I am a spendthrift. I throw money around like it is growing on trees." "Very well," said the pastor. "We will join in prayer for our brother -- just as soon as the collection plate has been passed."

Hello!

 

One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream. As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember. But that night, as my wife and I were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

Medical Terminology

 

Studies have demonstrated that those who do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology have the lowest stress rates.

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

 

Dean’s List

 

College student: "Hey, Dad -- I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do."

College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

 

Senile?

 

You know you're senile when you start quoting yourself. Wait, you're only senile if you don't know you're quoting yourself.

 

Compulsive Worrier

 

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack. "That must be expensive," Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him. "$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.

"I don't know. That's his problem."

 

Dad Joke

 

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize.

 

 

Today’s Thought

 

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?