Friday's Funnies

 Church Hopping

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.  After a while the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"  "Well, that's my house there."  "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

Top 10 Reasons Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen

10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
5. They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
3. Top speed is only about 45 mph.
2. Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.
1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

Parenting

Maybe parenting wasn't easier a generation ago, but at least kids weren't using their voice-activated robots to fact-check their parents.

Useful Metric Conversions

1 million phones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

Acting

A cinema actor, suing for a breach of contract, described himself as the greatest actor in the world. One of his friends took him to task for so loudly singing his own praises. "I know," replied the actor, "it must have sounded somewhat conceited, but, remember, I was under oath."

 

Texans Speak

 Phrases and their definitions are straight from a real live cowboy...

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
(Not overly intelligent)

All hat, no cattle.
(All talk and no action)

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.
(We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced)

He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
(Talks a lot)

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
(Not the most handsome of men)

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
(Prone to boasting)

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
(You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is)\

Today’s Thought

I just paid it BACKwards by telling the guy at the window that the car behind me was paying for my stuff.