Friday's Funnies

 Nursing Career

 I didn't realize how much my nursing career had affected my family until the day my three-year-old granddaughter said to me, "Gramma, I think my blood sugar is low. Can I have a cookie?"

Compliment

This chef on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." I know he was talking about food, but I still took it as a compliment.

Demonstration

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

> The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
> The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke
> The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
> The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

> The first worm in alcohol - Dead
> The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
> Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
> Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service.

Needed Sign

Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb", I need one that says "Already Disturbed, Proceed With Caution".

Best Out Of Office Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I heard winter was coming, so I decided to go to Florida. I'll be sipping cocktails on the beach until March and will not be checking email. Stay warm!

So Dumb

I knew a girl that was so dumb that she...

- called me to get my phone number.
- spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
- put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- thought a quarterback was a refund.
- tried to drown a fish.
- got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- tripped over a cordless phone.
- took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- asked for a price check at the "everything for a dollar" store.
- studied for a blood test.
- thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
- missed the 44 bus, so she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" so she turned around and went home.

Dad Joke

I've failed math so many times, I can't even count.

Today’s Thought

The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys, and phone."