Friday's Funnies

 Lesson Learned

 

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything... I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

 

Blood Drive

 

A priest, a minister and a rabbit decide to take part in a blood drive. They go to the local center. When they arrive, a nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, “What type are you?” To which the rabbit responds, “Actually, I think I’m a Type-O… ”

 

Computers

 

What is a computer's first sign of old age?

Loss of memory.

 

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

 

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar.

 

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

 

To err is human; but to really screw things up requires a computer.

 

Why was there a bug in the computer?

It was looking for a byte to eat.

 

What is a computer virus?

A terminal illness.

 

I Don't Get It

 

I've got 3 TVs, cable, and a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.

Driver’s License

The family's teenage son had just received his brand-new driver’s license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet your back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm going to sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

 

Leftovers

 

One summer day after playing outside with his sister, my 5-year-old son came into the kitchen asked, "What are you doin', Mom?" "I'm just cookin'." I told him. "Oh." he replied, "What are we havin'?" I told him, "Leftovers." He scrunched up his face and looked up at me and asked, "That's cookin'?"

Top 7 Signs Your Pastor Needs A Vacation

 

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "All right, listen up you heathens..."

 

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

 

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda shorts and a tank top.

 

4. Every time his smartphone notifications ding, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"

 

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

 

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

 

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

Signs That You Are a New Father

- Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

- You are used to doing everything one-handed.

- The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

- The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

- Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

- You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

- You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.

 

Idea

Here's a tip: Ring your doorbell on your way to bed at night. This will clear the dogs off the bed long enough for you to get in and be comfortable.

 

Dad Joke

 

Why do horses have a low divorce rate?  I don’t know…  They have stable relationships.

 

Today's Thought

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.