Friday's Funnies

 Easter Deep Thoughts

~ When I was a kid, I really hated wearing a suit on Easter Sunday. I always thought it was hard to praise the Lord when you felt like a mannequin.

~ Have you ever wondered, since eggs become so much more appealing to kids when you color them and hide them, if that would also work for broccoli?

~ Have you ever noticed on Easter how husbands tend to hide the Cadbury Creme Eggs where only they can find them?

~ Our son is hard to please. He likes those candy Easter eggs, but he wants them scrambled.

~ Today's money-saving Easter tip: Make the kid's plastic Easter basket grass yourself - just run a trash bag through the pasta maker.

~ The Easter Bunny must be a kid. Who else would think it's cool to leave eggs in shoes?

~ Did you ever wonder why we always leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, but we never leave a salad out for the Easter Bunny?

~ Sunday is Easter, a time to celebrate new life with maybe a new outfit, an Easter egg hunt, or just a prayer of thanksgiving and a warm feeling. And I know somehow, somewhere, before the day is over, I'm going to consume an entire chocolate bunny.

Boiling Eggs

One year, my six-year-old son and twelve year old daughter were in the kitchen helping me boil eggs to color for Easter. The pot of eggs had started to boil and they were making the strange noises that they sometimes do.  My son heard the noise and was walking around the kitchen with his head cocked to one side listening, trying to figure out where the noise was coming from. As he got near the stove and noticed it was coming from the pot of eggs, he asked what was making that sound.  Without missing a beat, his older sister immediately answered.... "It's the baby chicks screaming!" His eyes nearly popped out of his head!

Counseling

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I play golf."

Funny (and real) Signs

I saw a sign in a Stavanger, Norway hairdresser: "Nice face...shame about the hair." (Paul)

Here's one from Down Under...a sign from a furniture company: "Our beds are factory trained not to climb on your children. Please show the same courtesy." (Mary)

One of the best signs I've seen was on a van in the UK belonging to a curtain and blind retailer. The message on the back of the van said, "This van is being driven by a blind man!" (Kev)

While traveling on Interstate 40 through eastern New Mexico, we stopped at a rest area to use the bathroom. There was construction going on and a sign actually said, "Please use sidewalk." (Larry)

Just a few years back, one of our utility companies bore the unfortunate name, "People's Natural Gas."  No comment. (Daren)

Extremely Organized

My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go." My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"

The Deep South

Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the treetops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Positive Thinking

A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Good Point

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"

Dad Joke

Is disinformation as good as datinformation.

Today’s Thought

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.