Friday's Funnies

 Best Thing Learned

I've had a lot of education, but the one thing that has been the most consistently useful in my life is "righty tighty, lefty loosey."

 

Card Reader

 "Can people predict the future with cards?" Jessica asked Danny. "My mother can," Danny replied.

"Really?" "Yes," Danny told her, "she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."

 

English Language 

-          The fact that Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.

-          Pronouncing words that end in 'ough'. Cough, bough, rough, dough, through, though....

-          Is the "S" or "C" in scent silent?

-          Why does fridge have a "D" in it, but refrigerator doesn't?

-          Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same but Joey and Joe aren't?

-          You can drink a drink but you can't food a food.

-          The word "queue" is just a Q followed by four silent letters

-          Why is a "w" called a "Double-U* when it is clearly a "Double-V"?

 

Best Present Ever

Nephew: "Thanks for that harmonica you gave me -- it's the best birthday present ever!"
Uncle: "Well, that's great! What songs can you play?"
Nephew: "Oh, I don't play it. Mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and Dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

 

Kids Are Hilarious 

-          I lead the after-school drama club at my kid's school. A first-grader asked, "Can you teach me how to act like I'm listening when my dad talks?"

 

-          My five-year-old was in bed for a while, then yelled, "Mommy, come here!" I yelled back, "Why?" Then she yelled, "I haven't thought of a reason yet."

 

-          7yo: "Mom, how many more kids can you have? I need at least two more for my dance team."

 

-          My six-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me and said, "I'm not going all the way to the ocean right now."

 

Getting Old

I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But thankfully, I still have my driver's license.

 

Elderly Wisdom

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"  "Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."

 

Punny 

-          What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

-          I’m worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered.

-          What time did the person go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

-          I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes, but it turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

-          What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.

-          I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

-          What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

-          I don’t know what the best thing about Switzerland is, but the flag is a big plus.

-          Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? They just wanted a bit more space.

-          I don’t trust stairs — they’re always up to something.

-          What’s Forrest Gump’s computer password? 1forrest1.

-          I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.

-          Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

-          Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.

-          I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

-          Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

-          I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.

-          Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

-          I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

-          Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

Too Much Pizza

Clerk: "Should I have your pizza cut into six slices or twelve?"
Customer: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve slices."

Acronym

So, is macaroni and cheese “mac” because it’s short for macaroni…or is it because “mac” is an acronym for macaroni and cheese?

Dad Joke

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?  Swarm

Today’s Thought

Ever notice that when you pull in front of someone it's "merging," but when someone else does it it's called "cutting off"?