Friday's Funnies

 April Fool’s Day Groaners

Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?

A: Because they've just finished a long March!

Q: What's the best day for monkey business?

A: The first of Ape-ril!

Looks Great

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two chairs provided for men outside the ladies fitting room in our local department store. After 30 minutes and 6 changes of outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room one more time. He looked at her and immediately said, "That looks great on you! Get that one." "Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

Sounds Right

A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Crossing The Road

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?  She wanted to lay it on the line.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?  He heard the referee calling fowls.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?  To get to the other slide.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull?  Just the pit bull.

New Supermarket

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows 'mooing' and smell the scent of fresh butter melting. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying. So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Walking Economy

A man walking with his friend says, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How so?" "My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression."

Too Expensive

A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, the man received an acknowledgment from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

Prayer

A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?" "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." She thought about this for a moment, then asked, "Does he hear what we say when we're not praying too?" "Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. His pride however was quickly turned to humility when she asked, "Then which does God believe?"

Strategic Marketing

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each -- three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Each time the grocer meekly capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?" "What mistake?" the grocer said. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Answered Prayer

As song leader for my church in New Hampshire, I was preparing for Sunday morning. I had planned on playing my guitar, but my electronic tuner was missing. "Maybe I left it in the car," I thought. Heading out to the garage, I passed my husband in the living room, watching TV. "Please pray that I find my tuner," I mentioned out loud and then I asked God to help me find it. As I searched through the car, I didn't find anything in the back seat, but when I reached under the front seat, I pulled out a can of tuna. My husband heard my laughter from all the way in the house and came out to the garage. "Honey," I chuckled, "the Lord sure answered that prayer — New England accent and all!"

Stay!

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

Today’s Thought

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.